Why Barrenness Is So..(Lonely!)

Unless you are okay with your all your relatives picturing you naked, and in the bedroom, you are probably not going to “announce” to the gang at Thanksgiving dinner, “We’re trying to get pregnant!”

Therefore, aside from your husband and OBGYN…there’s a good chance your circle of trust is pretty small. Let’s face it, the inability to conceive is not something you bring up in the break room at work, or post on your Facebook.

Privacy Please!

In many regards, barrenness remains a personal matter because..it is. And there’s a good chance you feel like, and possibly even are, the only one in your circle of friends who can’t seem to get pregnant.

It’s hard not to get offended when people (like your dentist) ask that awful reoccurring question, “So…when are YOU TWO going to have some kids?” I always responded with a forced smile and mumbled, “I dunno!” (Cue: fake laugh). It was my attempt to suppress my anger from flaring up through my throat and choking that person and screaming, “I’m working on it!! Okay?!” Maybe I was slightly hostile. But I always felt as if some stranger just started rummaging through my underwear drawer and I couldn’t shoo them out fast enough! (Meanwhile, in their minds, they’re just talking about the weather. Eventually, I had to come to grips with the fact that these people (for the most part) mean well, and are just slightly out of touch with your daily/monthly/yearly reality. And that’s okay. People say stuff. Most are innocent.)

Boundaries

There are times when someone (often a family member) will press too far, because they feel like they are entitled to information. Know what you are comfortable with and make boundaries. You don’t have to share more than you want to. It’s okay just to say, “I’d rather not talk about it.” Or, “I’m not really comfortable talking about it.” (Maybe that sounds formal..but it’s better than spilling more than you want. You can say it in a way that is gentle and kind. True friends won’t make you feel guilty about not sharing more.)

On the Flip Side…Some women may feel extremely comfortable telling the clerk at Target or the barista at Starbucks all about her baby-making escapades. If this is you, be sure your spouse feels the same way. (And please reconsider, for their sakes!)

Getting Help and Healing 

In my own experience, the longer barrenness went on, the more people knew about it. The “outsiders” just eventually figured it out after constantly asking us if we wanted kids..and then never seeing that belly pop. And the”insiders”..because we actually started telling them. As the journey waned on, it began to wear on us. And as we were worn down, we became desperate for a few close friends we trusted to water our dry, dying ground of hope. And those were the who people prayed for us, revived us, kept us alive.

Friends

Be sure you and your spouse both feel comfortable about who knows what you’re going through, and how much detail you will share. This is out of basic respect to your husband. (He has feelings too, even if he doesn’t express them the way you do.) Search out friends who will pray with you and for you, and point you to the Lord; opposed to those who are likely to gossip.

My own advice (and this goes for any personal issue) is to share only with people who are a part of your healing process. Ask the Lord to guide you to people who will point you to Him. You may not have anyone like this in your life. Going to counseling is okay too (especially if the issues are “just too personal” to be helped by a friend or relative.) I highly recommend a biblical counselor who actually opens up the Word of God with you, and prays with you.

This Blog

This blog is a great place you are invited to for comfort and support on your journey. I am sharing things with you that no one shared with me–because I simply didn’t have anyone in my life that had ever gone through this! Know you are not alone.

God 

As always, the most important. He is the foundation upon which the rest of your house stands. Go to Him. Let me leave you with a few Scriptures to remind you that He is with you..even when it doesn’t feel like it:

“…He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5b

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” John 14:18

“For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10

Dear God,

Help this precious daughter to pour out her heart before You. And come swiftly to her. Surround her today with Your presence. Fill her heart with hope. Thank you that if she has been walking alone, she does not have to walk alone anymore. Remove all loneliness and despair and surround her with the sweet fellowship of your Holy Spirit! Reveal to her how intimately involved you are in her life, desiring her deepest good, even through this difficult time. Strengthen her heart now Lord, for You have promised, “I will never leave you, I will never forsake you.” 

In Jesus Name, Amen.

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  1. Pingback: Why Barrenness Is So..(Lonely!) | East.Texas.Strong

  2. Thank you for the encouragement!!! My husband and I have been married a year and six months into our marriage, I found out we were unable to get pregnant. I have slowly realize that it has been a blessing in disguise since in reality my husband and aren’t ready to be parents. And it hasn’t been all pie in the sky, at least once a week my mother-in-law inquires when I’m going to be prego or why I’m not prego. She means no harm as having children is all she has ever known.
    Thank you for stating in all honestly that conceiving, unable to conceive, etc is the couple’s business and not everyone elses unless the couple chooses to share.
    Blessings ,
    Mari

  3. Thank you so much for your blog. We have been blogging about our infertility for a few months (after dealing for 3 years) but I just recently found your blog from, ironically, your “Am I Enough” post about motherhood/wife-hood. Anyway, I have loved it and shared it and can’t wait to see where your journey takes you all next! 🙂

    • Jessica,
      I am SO glad to hear your response! I just finished reading your “50 reasons” you are grateful for life right now. And I was thrilled with this! Thrilled because.. you are in an amazing place right now. Thrilled that you can see the good. I know, I know, I know it is hard. I know you would trade it all for the sweet little bundle. But you are positioning your heart beautifully toward God. That’s what gratefulness does. It opens the door for God to do whatever He wants. Oh, I’m so excited for you guys! In His time, in His way–may He fill the desires of your hearts! Don’t lose heart, He hasn’t forgotten you.
      Blessings,
      Rebekah

  4. Pingback: Infertility: When You Expected To Be Expecting By Now | Me Too Moments For Moms

  5. This post was very timely for me. I am in a place of loneliness and despair. Thank you for giving me hope. I read the prayer and prayed it a few times. It is beautiful and encouraging. I love everything that you have written on this blog. Thank you!

    • Rachel,
      Thank you so much for letting me know! I am so glad you could make this prayer your own. May God answer the cries of your heart and show you just how close He is.
      Much love,
      Rebekah

  6. Thanks so much, I was really feeling so alone….
    In my community everyone wants to conceive immediately, it’s pretty obvious to everyone that ‘something’s wrong’, as i’m married for a year and a half already…
    I just found out yesterday that a good friend of mine, married less than a year, is pregnant. She was sure that I knew already and was complaining how disappointed she was that it’s not twins.
    I wish I could at least have one.
    Thank you for writing the feelings that I can’t always define…