In March, another close friend announced an unexpected pregnancy. I felt robbed, like life wasn’t fair. What about my friend, what about me? I planned her shower, but bitterness had taken root. As I celebrated the joy of new life, holding someone else’s child in my hands, I also decided something was definitely wrong with me. Almost 18 months of trying, battling heavy menstruation, and sorrow. I wanted to be in control. We went to the fertility specialist and they found nothing wrong. All this wanting and pain was straining my relationship with my husband. I asked God and begged for a child of my own. Started considering adoption through fostering (which I still would love to do). I wasn’t listening to God. I had my own plan and timeline. Hadn’t I done everything right? Didn’t I deserve to be a mom? Maybe I wasn’t giving enough to the church…maybe I could earn a baby through being a better me? All these lies I believed…if only. Everyone seemed to be blossoming into motherhood. Time passed. Each of my sisters gave birth to two babies…what about me?
On Mother’s Day, four years in, I begged and begged not to get my period again. That the spotting that always started a week before my period would this time really be implantation bleeding. I had been drawing close to God, getting rid of bitterness, and even hosting a Mother’s Day brunch at my house. That month was the month. I became pregnant.
We saw a beautiful heart beat. I was blissful and exhausted. I was going to be a mom – we would be parents! I carried my little one for almost twelve weeks. I still feel the sadness sometimes, like my hopes were crushed deeper than I could have imagined. So many women reached out with stories of their own. I felt the arms of compassion wash over me. My husband was so supportive. I never felt more sorrow, or more hope. God reached down and comforted me. I was so broken. Now I could be remade. No walls of self protection were left.
Taking a nap one day, I saw my beautiful daughter, Grace, walking around in Heaven. I knew she would never know pain or sorrow. I read Robin Jones Gunn’s “Victim of Grace,” and felt such conviction. God was still transforming me.
That Christmas, as I played with my nieces and nephews, a family member again asked if I was pregnant yet. I jokingly said, “If I am, it is like only 5 minutes,” and tried to brush any twinge of sorrow away. Turns out God has quite the sense of humor. I was pregnant! Our Emma Rose, my precious gift from God was born September of last year. Thirteen years of marriage and over five years of “trying”. My Rainbow baby had arrived. God had answered the prayers of many and given me the desire of my heart!
Kristen, as I sit here and attempt to catch my breath, I thank God for you and for your story, your struggles and also your amazing triumphs–your beautiful family. God is so true to His word. It sure is hard when things don’t go according to “our timeline” but thank goodness that God is able to mold and form us and our hearts along the way. You are such a perfect example of a humble heart and an attitude of gratitude. Thank you again for sharing your story.