Thirty-one months…that’s how long we’ve been waiting for God to do a miracle. Is this the longest anyone has ever had to wait? By far not… But for us, it’s been thirty-one very longs months.
In July 2014, my husband and I made the big decision that we’re going to start trying for a baby. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and before we even got married I made it clear that that’s the vision for my life: I want to be a stay at home mom! I felt like that was my calling. Like God made me to be a mother. I had no other big plans for my life, no huge things I was waiting for God to birth in me, I only had that one plan and I was sure that God was going to make it happen and make it happen quickly!
When my then boyfriend and I had started to talk seriously about marriage, I told him that he must “beware”, because I felt that God was saying we were going to have babies real early in our marriage. I felt that even though I was going onto the pill, He was going to do a miracle and we were going to have a baby really soon.
That amazing evening in July 2014, I was so filled with hope. We were at a prophetic meeting at church and someone prophesied over my husband and I saying that they see kids, more than one and that God is saying don’t delay any further. These were just the words we needed to hear. We went straight home, chucked the last of the pills into the bin and (in our minds) conceived our little miracle right then and there.
When my period started a few days later we were disappointed, but also not too phased as we knew a few couples who had tried for a number of months before finally falling pregnant.
Six months passed and my heart started to ache. I couldn’t understand why God was “doing this to me” and what I did wrong to deserve this heartache? I wanted to run straight to the doctor to check what’s wrong with me, but my husband listened to the Lord and said, “No, the time isn’t right yet.” I tried from then to really turn my heart to God and not let the emotions rule my heart and mind.
Months eventually turned into years. Even our friends who struggled to get pregnant had babies one after the other. I really tried to have a good attitude towards pregnancy and all the new babies that were crawling around at church functions. We really went all out to bless our friends and really sow where we trusted that we would reap.
I was genuinely happy for my friends and it was wonderful to bond with their little babies and learn a few tips and tricks. I had good days and bad days, many negative pregnancy tests and fights with the Lord. Nights of making peace with it all, and long days of praying that Jesus would hold me tight through all this.
Then in March 2016, at a family function, my cousin excitedly declared that she’s pregnant. She is 5 years younger than me and had only been married 2 years. They had been trying for maybe 2 months. My period was late and I was feeling super emotional already, that pushed me completely over the edge. I hugged her and pretended to be happy, but went into the bathroom and cried, my only consolation being that at least my period was late and I still had a chance. After my cry, I quickly washed my face and used the toilet and lo and behold, my period had started. Great.
That was a low and very difficult day.
It took me a few months to get over the shock of my baby cousin being pregnant, but I did and God really worked in my heart to be truly happy for them. It has been such a long road to walk with our Savior, but nothing has ever changed the fact that He is good and that He has a plan.
In December 2016, we were away with my husband’s family when Jesus really spoke in my heart and challenged my way of thinking.
I have often thought how I would write my story once it’s all over, done and dusted.
How I would praise God for the babies that He gave us and how I would encourage other women walking this path with my testimony. But God said: “Why are you waiting?”
And that simple sentence got me thinking. Why are we so happy to share our stories once the pain is over? Why are we open to speak about our victories, but we struggle to tell the story amidst the fight?
Isn’t the real victory in being close to God and walking this path with him?
I think more people need to see us in our battle.
See how there are daily fights to be fought. And then we can all celebrate together once the battle is won!
So this is me, writing my story, a story that isn’t finished yet. I am not pregnant yet, some days I am still sad and angry, but also grateful and filled with hope. I am still praying that God will open my womb, but that He will make me strong to fight against the despair if I see another month go by without a positive result. I am praying that God will use me in more ways than being a mother. I rest in the fact that God is close to the broken hearted and that I know He has an amazing plan for my life.
I stand against the plans of the enemy to drag me into a hopeless pit and I fight to stay close to Jesus whom I love! I know that victory will come, I can feel it in my spirit, but for now, I share my story before the victory comes.
Thank you that I can share my story, may it give you the courage to share what you’re going through before the victory.
This story isn’t over.
Lindi sent this story to me on February 23, 2017. Because God had told her to write this. He told her to write this “Before the Victory.”
I have chills even as I type this. Two weeks later, I got another email from Lindi. Here’s what it said:
So to add to the amazing testimony…I found out last week that I’m pregnant! 7 weeks already… God is so faithful!!! Like you said in one of your posts, looking back now the wait didn’t seem so long even though going through it seemed like an eternity!
Thank you for your willingness to share your story and for listening to mine!
God led Lindi during her battle to a place of worship, surrender, and obedience “before the victory.” Not knowing, even as she wrote this, He was already forming a baby in her womb.
How awesome is our God?
Lindi is now 25 weeks pregnant. So let’s come around her and celebrate this life that God has placed in her! And let’s take Lindi’s encouragement to heart–to trust Him, and to share what He is doing inside us, not just our wombs, but our hearts, “before the victory.” Because that’s where the battle is.
I am challenged, as one who only usually writes about things AFTER the victory. But like Lindi said…maybe people need to see us IN OUR BATTLES.
Not just after them.
So wherever you are at today in the journey, God is with you. And He is worthy of your trust and worship before the victory.
Photo credits: Lily Photography @lilyphotography32