Dear Friends, this is a post I never intended to write. But here I am writing it, with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. And my hands feel shaky at these keys:
I’m pregnant again.
God did it.
This will be our second miracle. And I had no idea, it was even coming. But all of a sudden, it’s here. Seemingly, out of no where. The only way a miracle can come–when you know full well that you have offered nothing. When you have brought nothing to the table, and God has brought everything. God brings a feast.
And He asks you to dine with Him. And you do, because your soul is starving.
If you don’t already know it, I encourage you to read my story of infertility. In it, you will find a very broken woman, angry and confused and barely tolerating God’s “plan.” You will find a woman who is so very barren, not only in her womb, but in her soul. And you will find how God rescues her out of that barrenness–by showing her Himself, His very beauty, and that He satisfies.
My daughter Selah is three now. She is beautiful, like music. Like her name. And she was worth every tear I cried for her. Every minute I waited for her.
The last few years have been so full–of her–just learning this other person, this other creature God has placed in my care. I’ve got to see her grow out of her tiny newborn clothes into a lengthy three year old girl that looks older every minute. She won’t hold still, or slow down enough to let me just hold her and breathe her in. Sometimes it seems like she is sprinting through childhood, and I’m chasing her, always a few steps back, yelling, “Slow down!”
I remember how I cried when we took down her crib. I cried into my husbands shirt, and sobbed, “I’m just afraid we’ll never get to put it up again.” I felt like I was saying good-bye to this baby part of her, that I wasn’t ready to part with. Or put into storage.
And I didn’t know if God would give us any more children.
We prayed God would give us more, if He wanted us to have more. Even though, we were already beyond blessed to have even one beautiful child. Many don’t even get that.
For the last few years we’ve “tried” to conceive again. (But what is “trying” when you already have a child?) Interrupting cries during the “moment”, and a BBT thermometer that keeps disappearing from your nightstand and reappearing in your daughter’s toy box, and “charting” which was once graphed lines and fluids and temperatures, was now simply figuring out which cycle day I was on–which I was usually totally off on. Or we missed “the window” completely. Oops.
At the beginning of 2016, I felt the Lord gave me a theme for the year. Which was simply to have Open Arms. I drew a stick figure of myself, with my arms out wide. And wrote: Open Arms: Because the posture of surrender, and the posture of worship, and the posture of receiving, is the same.
All I knew, is that God wanted me to keep my arms open. Wide open. Surrendering. Worshiping. And receiving from Him.
So in February, my husband and I felt like we needed to open our arms to fostering. This was something we talked about for a long time–and had many conversations about. My biggest hang up was, “I just don’t know if I could give the baby back.” I think most people struggle with that part of fostering, (the part that you have no control, and that your heart will probably be crushed in the process.) But, I clearly remember one day as we drove down I-79, as I told my husband all the reasons why it would be so “emotionally difficult” to foster, he gently reminded me, “It’s not about you. This is one thing in your life you get to do, that’s not about you.” Tears began to run down my face. It was that moment that it clicked for me. It’s not about me. It’s about helping someone else. At the most fragile state in their life.
The more we thought and prayed about it, the more we felt led to get certified to be foster parents. In our state, it’s only a 90 day process, and is actually very simple to do. We decided we would foster babies anywhere from newborn to under a year old, and we were really excited about it.
So in mid-April, we were nearing the end of all of our paperwork, training, and inspections. I felt so excited to lavish this baby with love. I was going to love this baby with everything, just as if he, or she was my own child. I knew my heart would probably get ripped out, but I felt that this baby deserved to be treated like they were the most long awaited, and long anticipated baby ever to be born.
So, we took down the guest room and made it into a full-blown nursery. I was happy to see the pretty white crib up again. Along with the glider and changing table. Everything looked crisp and white against the gray walls. I would walk past and wonder who the baby was that we would receive. And as I prayed, I kept seeing the words, “Precious One,” over the crib. So I ordered a pretty custom-made wall-sticker from Etsy to place over the crib. “Precious One,” is something I wanted to speak over and over this child.
And it was that week, that everything was set up in the nursery. The car seat was ready to go. And I had washed all the baby blankets in sweet-smelling Dreft–since that is what I would do for my own child–that our world would change: again.
My husband had picked up a pregnancy test on his way home from work, and I rolled my eyes when he handed it to me. “Why take a test?” I asked, “It just makes it harder!” I didn’t like taking pregnancy tests because they just played with emotions, I’d rather keep stuffed down.
And so, as he was tightening up the baby gates for the final home-inspection the next day, I went and took the test. I locked the door so that no one disturbed me. And that’s when I saw a very faint blue line cross the other: pregnant.
I fell to my knees right there on the bathroom floor. And the lines blurred with my tears. And I thanked God, and gasped.
My husband came up, and I showed him the test, “Bekah!!” he exclaimed, hugging me, and we laughed. We could not believe it.
I was pregnant.
And in shock.
And in awe, of our very great God.
Today I am 9 weeks pregnant. So, it’s still early. I know we’re not guaranteed anything. I am not guaranteed even one more breath. But with all the breath in me, I will thank God for this miracle. And I will tell of His works.
And I will celebrate this life within me every day I have him, or her. For God knows this son or daughter. And He has already breathed out their name. His eyes see their unformed body, being knit together in the secret places of my womb. And all the days ordained for them have been written in His book, before one of them will come to be.
Dear friends, I had no idea that the child I was preparing for, was one in my womb. I had no idea the “Precious One” I had been praying for, would be living inside me. Can you fathom what God has done?
Surely, He is God. There is no one like Him. He alone can do wonders and miracles. He can even open the womb.
Lately, I am so tired. Can you pray for me, that I can keep my arms open? My heart open? I want to stay in the posture of surrender, and worship, and receiving as I carry this child. I haven’t felt physically well, so we have decided to wait to take in a foster baby until sometime after our baby is born. However, this is something we pray we get to do in the future, because the need is so very great and urgent.
I want you to know, I will pray for you as well.
If you are barren, and even if you are not, my prayer is that you can open your arms. Wide. Ready to embrace whatever and whoever God has for you. I don’t know where it will lead. But it will be wild, and free, and full of God.
If you are still waiting and praying to get pregnant, please don’t let the news of my miracle discourage you. I know, it can feel defeating when you hear of other people’s pregnancies. Especially when they seem to come so easily.
But this miracle God has done in me should give you hope. Not despair.
Because if God can do a miracle in me, who has not even the faith, but rolls her eyes at the pregnancy test, He can surely do one in you as well.
I don’t know what it will look like. Or when. Or how.
But that’s what a miracle is. It’s a mystery.
It’s a gift. It’s something of God.
When you find yourself with nothing to offer.
You are in the perfect place.
Open your empty arms. To Him.
“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
For surely He will satisfy. Surely, He will be your portion.
Tears are streaming down my face in deep joy and gratitude on your behalf before God. What a beautiful miracle God was preparing you both for. His timing seems to reveal how He is intimately acquainted with all of your ways. Your words, stories, and blog continue to give me hope…hope in the One who brings life when all odds seem to be against us. Thanks for sharing your story. The barren rejoice whole heartedly with you!
(I love your name!) Thank you for your beautiful words and kindness to me–it brings tears to my eyes! I am so honored to have readers who can share struggles and victories together with me. Thank you for rejoicing with me, it means so much. May the God of all hope, fill you with hope, as you wait on Him, the One who can do more than all we could ask, or think, or imagine!
Congrats on your newest little blessing!!! Your story is SO beautiful! I love how God surprised you as you were preparing to care for a foster baby. His timing and plan are amazing!
Thank you for joining in our celebration! I am still in awe of what God has done–I didn’t see it coming at all. But His ways, I am convinced is higher than ours, and His thoughts higher than our thoughts. Thank you!
I love this!!! So happy for you. What an awesome God <3
Thank you so much for sharing in our joy! I am amazed at what God has done. <3
I love, love, love your post. How great is our God. May He continue to satisfy and to fill your heart and life. Praise God!!!
Thank you so much for rejoicing with us! He continues to surprise and amaze me. And may He also fill your life with joy and His presence! xo, Rebekah
Melody Maynard says
This makes my heart so happy! Both that you were preparing to be foster parents, and that God has blessed you with another child in your womb . . . Congratulations!
Thank you so much for rejoicing with us! It certainly was a surpise! But God knew it all along! He is always doing more than we can see. I love that about Him.
Congratulations, your story (your life) is like so many I have read but you are still thanking God for all He has done not cursing Him for not giving you more. I too had trouble conceiving, my husband and I were truly blessed with a boy 16 years ago. We did not get the opportunity to give another child life but walk through this world grateful for the gift of raising a child in God’s grace. So thank you for sharing not only your joy but also your journey back to God. I pray you have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby! Congratulations again enjoy the growing child within you.
Thank you so much for rejoicing with us! That is amazing God has given you a beautiful boy! Even though I”m sure he seem so grown up now! 🙂 So fun! Thank you for reading, I’m honored to have you following along. xo, Rebekah
This story is so very close to my own. 4 years of infertility and in 2012 we had our miracle Ella. She will be 4 in July. After deciding we weren’t going to have any more we became foster parents. After a year of not receiving any permanent placements (no fault of our own) I realized I wasn’t ready to stop trying for another biological child. 4 months later we found out we are pregnant. I am now 16 weeks and overwhelmed by God’s plan that far surpasses are own. Prayers for you on this journey.
What a beautiful story of how God is bringing you babies!! I am convinced that He wants us to keep our arms open to recieve, to worship, and to surrender. May He keep blessing you for your open arms and open heart. I am so excited for you! His ways are incredible, and greater than anything we could plan. much love!
I tried to comment but I am not sure if it worked. Your story is so close to the one in my family as well. We tried for four years to get pregnant in trouble with infertility. Into thousand 12 we became pregnant with our daughter Ella. She will be four in July. After we had her we decided we were not going to biologically try again became foster parents. After the long process and the year of not receiving any personal permanent placements, I realized that Our family wasn’t complete. After only a few short months we became pregnant again and I’m now 16 weeks. I would not give back a single respite case that we were a part of or even the moments of loss we felt when a placement fell through. God’s plan is perfect.
Praise God! What an absolute blessing!! It literally brought tears of joy to my eyes for you guys! God sure is amazing and no matter what, is always, always working to orchestrate His plan! What an amazing testiment to what He can do, and certainly brings hope to me and helps inspire continued trust in Him and His plan! So so happy for you!!
I am so happy that God brought you HOPE through this. My only hesitation when writing this was that it might make some women feel discouraged. But the more I thought about it, I thought that my story has to give them hope! Because if God can can open the womb of a faithless, broken woman like me–He can surely do it for anyone. May God ope your arms wider and wider to whatever path He chooses for you. You are an amazing woman and so very loved by God. He sees you, He is faithful, and He will do it! Hugs!
Rebekah, I know the roller coaster ride of infertility. My story is a bit different. Long story short. After exhausting all medical remedys for our situation, we were blessed with a baby boy almost 26 years ago through adoption. There is not a doubt in my mind that this child was meant for us. I bonded with him immediately and forget at times I carried him IN my heart not under it. Three years later (minus 2 days) our second son was born biologically. As you can imagine our excitement when we found out I was expecting, this posed a huge concern for me. I never wanted our oldest son to feel less. They are both “Precious Ones” GOD gave to us. I love your willingness to share such an emotional subject. Take care and rest. I will pray for you. Enjoy your blessings, they do grow so fast!
What an AMAZING story. That is so awesome you got to carry your babies in your womb and in your heart!! I love how you said that. And you are right that they are all “Precious Ones” no matter how they come. Thank you for your prayers and your sweet response. I appreciate it so much.
Aimee G Gwinn says
I’m so happy for you two. None of my babies were planned but I love all of them with all of my heart, mind and soul. I still don’t like that I don’t have my twins and cry myself to sleep day in and day out, but I’m happy that I have my baby son; Craig and I know that it may be what feels like forever but I will see my twins again. Everyday I thank God, that I did have Craig, because although he was unplanned like the first two, he is what has me still be here. I can’t tell you how many times I felt alone without my twins and that I didn’t have a reason to walk the Earth, and I wanted to go home. When I found out that I was pregnant I cried with tears of joy and fear that I would have him removed too, but now he’ll be a year old Sunday and is still in my arms. Although sometimes, I still have questions and don’t understand a lot of things that He may have done, but I know that there has to be a God that turns that bad into good.
I had no idea you lost twins, that is unbearably hard. I cannot imagine the pain of it. And yet, that is amazing God has give you another child. May your heart and soul be healed in God’s time and God’s way. I know you will see your babies again one day in heaven. Until then, may God fill you with hope and passion and light as you walk out your days on this earth. And may He fill you with JOY as a mama to your sweet little boy. xo,Rebekah
This story brings me to tears. I don’t know you but I am so happy that God has blessed you with two beautiful babies. God did bless us with another baby after 6 years of trying but unfortunately I had an ectopic pregnancy. Your story has given me hope that I will eventually have another baby. Thank you so much for sharing.
I cannot imagine the pain of loss you experienced. May God continue to heal your womb and your soul. May He restore you fully, making you more alive than you have ever been in Him. And I pray that He would continue to fill you with HOPE of all He can do. You are so precious and loved by Him.
Yolandi Strauss says
For being faithful, for writing this, for rejoicing and surrendering, for telling your story so that woman like us, so that I can have hope!
THANK YOU! :’)
The Lord has through your beautiful story renewed a steadfast spirit within me!
And I am kind of where you were now with the part of thanking God for this “alone” time with my husband. And that we should enjoy this while we wait for our blessing/s!
Thank you again…..
P.S. I love your name and this has been a girl name I have had time to dream about. It kind of feels like a reminder to not let go of it.
I know it’s taken me a while to get back to you–but I was so moved by your comment. Wow. It gave me chills to know that God has renewed a steadfast spirit within you!!! Praise God for that! Speaking of which “steadfast” was a very precious word to my husband and I during our waiting process. My husband’s name “Brandon” actually means “steadfast” and I always hung on to that. God is always doing more than we can see or know or fathom. In the book of Jeremiah, he gives Jeremiah the vision of the “Almond tree.” The reason God showed him the almond tree–is because that tree in particular looked like it was sleeping all winter, but it was the first to bloom in the spring. God showed Jeremiah that to show that God looks like he is sleeping sometimes–but he is the first to bloom in the spring. He is always doing more than we know! I am so thankful to meet you. May God fill up your spirit with himself. And I am touched that my name has furthered your hope!! Praising God for this, and His perfect plan for you. xo, Rebekah
Yes, yes and AMEN. I will praise him through the storms of life. He was and IS and will forever be our Rock and refuge. Thank you for your response. It means so much. Xx ?
Congratulations! Such a heartfelt post that brought tears to my eyes. God bless you!
Thank you Kaylee! Blessings to you!
Congratulations Rebekah… I don’t know where I would be if God have not led me to your blog. I thank Him for people like you everyday. May He bless you even more!
It always surpises me when people find my little blog from across the world! It’s even more proof that God must have led you here. And I am so honored that He would speak to you through my story. May He have all the glory for it. Thank you dear one! May you carry light and hope wherever you go.
Lindsey Thomas says
Your story gives me hope and I find myself coming back to read your story and testimony OVER and OVER and it always calms me. We have been trying for a year and a half, all of that including surgery and a diagnosis of endometriosis. We are still hopeful and am praying for God’s miracle, in His time.
I am so glad you can find hope in my story. Truly, if God can do a miracle in a faithless person like me, he can do it for anyone! I don’t know His plans, or understand His mysteries, but I know He is good, and wise. And He is faithful to our hearts, and that’s the very thing he is after, our hearts. May you find hope in Him, and may he revive your heart, and show you how close he really is. Much love to you. <3, Rebekah
Sorry I’m late to this party, and huge congratulations to you and your family!!! Your blog was an answer to my prayer today and I’ve asked God to bless you all for the work you’re doing for Him.
I’ve been in a very dark place for a while now. We buried our full term, newborn daughter just two years ago. We said goodbye to a son and another daughter before her, and while each goodbye has been excruciatingly painful, I’m having a particularly difficult time now.
God has blessed us greatly with other children – healthy and happy. Years ago, after the other losses and struggling to conceive, I prayed (sobbing, never believing I would ever feel “finished”) He’d lift this *overwhelming* desire when He was finished opening my womb – but the desire we have to fill my womb and our arms, has definitely not yet been fulfilled. I know, like I know the sun will rise tomorrow even if hidden by clouds, that He has more babies for us, that He will open my womb again. I just know it and I need to cling to that … to what He’s shown me…. cling to Him. And now, thanks to you I know how… with open arms.
I cannot even imagine what it feels like to have walked in your shoes. I’m so sorry for the babies you had to give back. And pray you get a wonderful reunion one day in heaven. How precious they must have been, this world was not even worthy of them. May God continue to comfort your beautiful heart. I am so touched and moved that I could help in your healing at all. And I am so happy that God has shown you how to move forward, with open arms. May He bless you continually, and fill your heart, and your arms, and your home. Much love.
I’m not sure where to start; I have so many thoughts racing through my head. Mostly, I just feel my heart ripping to pieces because of the pain. I have two children so I’m sure those barren would look at me at say, “Woman, be grateful for your two beautiful blessings!!”
Having two children doesn’t take away that I’ve lost two children or that my pain is less crushing then yours/theirs.
It seems like no one remembers them or sees me walking around with a huge hole in my heart.. Every pregnant lady and every negative pregnancy test is like a black tide encroaching more & more upon my house. My house built on rock but that tired & weathered & leaking.
I trust God & I love God, but I pray for this pain to ease.
I’m so weary. So weary of the ache in my heart & the sorrow I carry around.
Thank you for your blog. I stumbled upon it through a friend sending me the story of your daughter telling you she knew why you had to wait so long for her. We have been trying for 3 1/2 years now. It’s hard to believe it’s been so long but at the same time feels like forever. We know God has promised us children and are trying to wait patiently. Your story has brought tears to my eyes as I read of someone else experiencing what we are walking through, but also so much hope for when it’s our turn to meet the little precious ones He has for us.