I was never one to have a strong desire for a “career.” In the loosest sense of the term, I wanted my “worldly” priorities to be a wife, and once I was married, a mother. My husband did not feel as ready as I did, so we waited for 2 years before he began to confidently consider being a father. It was decided I was going to quit my job to become a full-time housewife and eventually, stay-at-home mom. A lot of stress had been placed on us the past 2 years and we were going to cherish this short time together before we were to have a child.
I knew it was a possibility we may not conceive right away. My sister is almost 12 years older than me—because that’s how long it took my parents to finally have me. But my husband and I were healthy, with no known medical concerns. And losing my job was not much to me; I knew from the statistics that it would likely happen within 6-9 months. I had just turned 27 and didn’t feel concerned.
Fast forward a year later and our life had quickly turned from cherishing this time together, to facing anxiety about what we didn’t yet have.
Fast forward a year later and our life had quickly turned from cherishing this time together, to facing anxiety about what we didn’t yet have.
My husband and I are beginning the ominous twelfth month of trying to conceive. Although I know it cannot compare to those who have been waiting and praying for years, I already feel how the process has begun slowly breaking my spirit month after month.
We are what I call the “in-between” stage. Looking at the statistics at this point makes me want to cry, fearing the worst for us. Reading success stories reminds me there is lots of hope. We have our first doctor’s appointment next month. The unknown terrifies me, while the prospect of modern medicine reassures me. But God’s word says, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways” (James 1:8) and this constant mind battle is tiring.
If anything has come from this so far, it has been for my husband and I, type A planners, to relinquish control to God. I used OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) the first few months before I realized the stress they placed on us. I charted my temperatures for the first 10 months before realizing I was consistent, and it didn’t matter how perfectly “timed” we were month after month.
Up until this point in life, I feel I’ve had at least some control over most major decisions: choosing my college degree, saying “yes” to my future spouse, finding a church to be a part of. But in this matter of creating life, only God can allow sperm and egg to meet. On this blog, I read someone say they realized they were “living their life for someone’s whose time was not yet appointed.” That convicted me. I felt ashamed for thinking I could make this happen and I cried out to God for an attitude of thankfulness and contentment for what I currently have. I have wrestled with God enough to know that His will, and not mine, will be done.
Up until this point in life, I feel I’ve had at least some control over most major decisions: choosing my college degree, saying “yes” to my future spouse, finding a church to be a part of. But in this matter of creating life, only God can allow sperm and egg to meet. On this blog, I read someone say they realized they were, “Living their life for someone’s whose time was not yet appointed.” That convicted me. I felt ashamed for thinking I could make this happen and I cried out to God for an attitude of thankfulness and contentment for what I currently have.
I have wrestled with God enough to know that His will, and not mine, will be done.
I don’t know what our future holds. Though I am still asking God to bless us with a child, my prayers are more centered on peace and direction. I want the peace and joy that Paul describes in Philippians 4:10-13,
“I rejoiced greatly that you have revived your concern for me and that you were concerned, but you had no opportunity. Not that I speak of being in need. For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be abased and I know how to abound in any and every circumstance. I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
Phillipians 4:10-13
I am still learning to fully trust. My sweet husband made the analogy that if God can multiply five loaves and two fishes to feed thousands, than he can turn one of his sperm and one of my eggs into millions of cells to form a child, if he so chooses – no matter the obstacle. He is able, but he is also sovereign in his decisions, and I have to trust in that. His ways and thoughts are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:9).
As I allow God to fulfill His purpose in me, I know that I am growing and He is filling my barren heart with more of Him.
Thank you Paige for bravely sharing your testimony. You trust in the Lord is both beautiful and contagious in this community. May the Lord continue to bless you with peace and purpose, as you wait on Him.
Love, Rebekah
Photo credit: Photo by Katie Drazdauskaite on Unsplash
You can check out more encouraging testimonies by pressing the drop down arrow on the TESTIMONIES tab. Or, be encouraged by one of these latest blog posts:
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