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Barren to Beautiful

Stop Waiting To Be Happy

Growing in God· TTC

22 Apr

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When I was barren, I was constantly waiting to be pregnant. But I was also waiting to be happy. I thought that if God would give me what I desired (a baby!), I would be “complete.” And I would be the happiest girl in the world!

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, and I was indeed: Happy! I cried and jumped up and down, and blew my nose on my husband’s shoulder. Life was at last good. God was at last good. And I was at last happy. You’d think after that I should have remained the most content person on the planet. But I did not.

I have this problem. It’s a deep problem. Not one that can be solved by a few Pinterest tips, or self-help reads, or swapping my table sugar for organic honey. It’s something dark inside me. Like hunger…but it doesn’t go away with food. Or vanity. Or accomplishment. Or relationships. Or exercise.

I call it want. It’s this thing that lives in me that is always desiring more. That always whispers there is not enough. And this is truly the heart of being barren: emptiness. For so long seeing only the empty in me. Seeing the flaws in others. And seeing God as a withholding God, and not an infinitely giving one. This feeling, this way of seeing your life as “not yet full” is not just for the unable to conceive woman though.

As people, we constantly fantasize about the next “phase” of life–as if it will trump all our prior experiences. I know this because I have done it my whole life so far. Kids can’t wait to be teens. Teens can’t wait till college. College students can’t wait to graduate. Graduates can’t wait to get a job. People with careers can’t wait to retire. (And old people just long to be young again.)  How far does it go? There is something tragic happening here!

No one is enjoying their current phase of life! Everyone wants to be somewhere else, not here. The want is taking over. We are a people who constantly look to the next thing. We want more. Better. Different. Have you ever considered that the phase you are in RIGHT NOW is the best phase simply because it is the phase God has ordained for you right now? If we constantly race ahead to the place we want to be, the goals we want to achieve, we will tragically miss the good going on right now. We will look back on this month, this year, and not remember anything. All we will see is a big blur–jumbled with frantic desires and disappointments.

So just stop. Stop. Right now, and look around you. (Be still, and know that He is God.) What has God already given you? With what responsibilities is He entrusting you right now? Who is in front of you today to love? And then thank Him. Thank Him for every single thing you can about right now. This place. 

I share this only because for way too long I have wanted the next thing. And dear brothers and sisters, I feel it working even now within me. The want. The thing that sucks the joy, and steals it from today.

But when I am thankful–the joy comes rushing back in, like noisy, laughing children stumbling in from outside bringing the smell of summer warmth all around. When I am thankful (even in spite of the mess, and the chaos, and the things I don’t have, or things I haven’t become, or achieved) I am declaring with my heart:

God is Good!

God is Wise!

God is In Control!

God satisfies!

Growing up I always heard church-people saying, “If you are faithful with the small things, God will entrust you with the big things!” So, I always thought this was some kind of transaction, or a stepping stone.”Be a good custodian, and someday you will own the company!” What those people were referring to was to a parable Jesus spoke of in Luke 16:10 and Matthew 25:21, and said, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things.” While I do believe this passage is about stewardship, I think there is something more going on here than a promotion at work. The very next line is, “Come share in your Master’s happiness!”  I think what He is saying is–whether you thought I entrusted you with a little or a lot, important, or unimportant–you embraced it with both arms. I am pleased with you because by welcoming what I have sovereignly arranged for you, you have declared me wise, and good, and giving! And indeed I AM! So come share in my happiness!

 

Dear Father,

I declare today that You are good. I rejoice in what You have entrusted to me right now (from the biggest to the smallest task). Before I get to the next “phase” of my life..or if I ever “get there,” I want to worship You. I was made for Your glory and to be happy in You. Open my eyes to Your glory all around me. I want to share in Your happiness. Take my heart full of “want”, and replace it with a heart of deep gratitude. You promise to satisfy the hungry with good things. And for that I praise You. Satisfy me now in all that You are, that my joy may be made full. 

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

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14 Comments

« Why Barrenness Is So..(Lonely!)
Can Fear Cause Barrenness? »

Comments

  1. lhaber says

    April 30, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    This was so beautiful to read! It made me cry but in a good way! I could never have children. And I would look around at parents who were abusive or had abortions and I would wonder why these people were blessed with children and I was not. I had all this love to give a child. It took me many years to see the blessings that I did have. My brothers and sisters shared their children with me and my neighbors and I got to be ‘like a mom’ to students I work with etc. Jesus used me in a different way to fulfill that need. When I read the sentence ‘a withholding God and not an infinitely giving one”–I know that to be true–but I had a hard time in my young life to see this whole picture. This lesson you learned so young regarding want and enjoying your current phase of life is a good lesson –I learned this much later. But in my time–in God’s time for me. I hope that your young life and my 60 year old life can give others hope and courage to live their best life in God’s care! There is a fulfillment in knowing God has a unique purpose in your life—that you might not ‘get’ at the time—God is Good—THIS is a very touching blog. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      May 1, 2014 at 5:31 pm

      Aunt Linda,
      Thank you so much for your kind encouragement. And thank you for taking time to read it. God truly has taught me so much I did not know could be true, (though I also still have sooo much to learn.) I look forward to heaven when God’s wisdom will finally be revealed to us and we will understand why things happened the way they did. It’s hard here though sometimes because we are just left wondering “why?” a lot of the time. On the other hand, if there’s been one person in my life that I can say has shown me the JOY of the Lord..it’s you. As I think back to being a little girl, I have so many fun memories with you and am so thankful you have always been such a big part of my (and all the cousins) lives. We always would tell our friends how fun and funny you were! I remember you coming to our plays, performances, making us laugh, taking us swimming at your house, taking us to musicals..so many fun memories just having fun or being goofy with you. You showed me that adults don’t have to be boring. And that’s a very important lesson!:) You have always been such a bright spot in my life, and in the lives of so many others. You are truly a blessing. 🙂

      Reply
  2. The Dandler says

    June 5, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    Wow…just, wow. What a perfect blog post that speaks to exactly where I am, to where I’ve always been in my life – never content, afraid that even God will not and cannot satisfy me (and when you know that God is the only one who CAN satisfy, but you think he never will, then that’s a scary existential place to be in.) I call it E.D. – existential dread, that there will never be enough, and then you die. Through Christ things have gotten better, but I still struggle with this every day. Thank you so much for writing so honestly about it and encouraging me through your experience. You will definitely get a re-blog on my own DandleBlog, which is all ABOUT E.D. and finding meaning when we’re so unsatisfied in life. Thanks again.

    Reply
  3. moderndaysarah says

    June 9, 2014 at 7:54 am

    I can completely relate to this. When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait to grow up so I could get out of an abusive home. When I graduated high school, it felt like I was waiting to be happy until I got married (it took 11 years). And my whole life I always longed to become a mother, but (9+ years after getting married) I’ve lost 8 children through failed IVF attempts, 3 children through failed adoptions, and I’m still not a mother. I’ve always recognized I should be happy with the circumstances I’m in right now, but sometimes it can be really hard. Thanks for your posts and the reminder of who it is that is the source of happiness and who can fill our souls, no matter our hardships.

    Reply
  4. servantofcharity says

    July 8, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    From the Canticle of Mary, “…He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich He has sent away empty…” (full text is at Luke 1:46-55) I think it refers to the wanting that you describe. We need to want the good things that God is anxious to fill us with, but when we are rich with the worldly wants, we are sent away empty.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      July 17, 2014 at 1:21 am

      Wow, that is so beautiful! I love that Scripture. You are so right! Thank you for this beautiful reminder! He truly is the ONLY satisfier of our souls. 🙂

      Reply
  5. fromashesirise says

    August 29, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    thanks for posting!! i just started the “let go” part of my infertility journey yesterday! God is good, and will give me strength to keep going, even if i never see the answer i want, i am learning to be happy to rejoice in my phase of life right now!

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      August 30, 2014 at 12:16 am

      I am so thrilled to hear this!! Thank you for sharing. May God fill you up with His joy as you embrace this phase of life right now, and as you embrace Him! During my infertility journey, the best moments were the ones that I completely surrendered to Him with a truly thankful heart. I am so excited for you as you embark on this new path of freedom, and give your heart over to Him. May He bless and strengthen you, and may you be forever happy in Him.

      Reply
  6. Alyssa says

    July 28, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    Thank you for these beautiful posts. I see myself in every one and it’s crazy. As someone in the same struggle( two years and counting…) I have continued to refuse to be happy or live life, even though I know that’s the wrong way to go about it. I can’t have a fulfilled life without a baby… Or so I tell myself. I needed a reminder of surrendering to God and being thankful no matter what. It’s a test that I keep failing miserably at, but I know it’s one given to me for a reason. Thank you for sharing your story and know that God has used you to help girls like me to have hope and encouragement. 🙂

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      August 1, 2016 at 3:01 am

      Alyssa,
      Thank you for sharing your journey with me! Oh, I pray that God will open up joy and life in you once again, even as you wait! Thanks for reading, and know I have been there so many many times. I feel for you. I know what barrenness feels like, and the dryness. But I also know that God waters us, like a torrential down pour at times, even during physical “barrenness.” May He water you fully, and may you drink Him in all the more. Much love to you, and all the life about to break forth. <3

      Reply
  7. Sophia says

    July 26, 2018 at 8:11 pm

    I’ve been reading your blog. And feel it’s so easy for you to write these positive words when you have what you want. You are not barren so it’s easy for you to say ‘remain positive, trust in God etc…’

    It took you 2 yrs to conceive. I do not class that as infertility or barren.

    I’m 45 and have never conceived despite trying everything! You cannot resonate with my pain and desperation.

    Thanks for trying but I just don’t get how you think you can encourage truly barren and infertile women to remain positive.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      July 27, 2018 at 3:29 pm

      Dear Sophia,
      Thank you for sharing your honest opinion here and asking this totally valid question. I would love to answer it.

      You are right, that God did bless us with children–without medical intervention or treatments or fertility drugs. I had my children naturally through my own womb. It was 2 years of TTC before I got pregnant with our first child, and 3 years of TTC before I got pregnant with our second.

      I know that doesn’t sound “that” long–but as I’m sure you know, and anyone who has experienced infertility for any amount of time knows, that’s it’s painful, and sad, and feels hopeless. During the time I experienced infertility, I did know pain. I did know sorrow. And I did experience barrenness. Perhaps others could easily let it roll of their shoulders. But I couldn’t. It affected me deeply. And I had no idea how long it would last–and quite possibly for the rest of my life.

      I can only share my experience. But it’s the true story of what God did in my life. It’s my testimony. And I believe every testimony has a place in God’s kingdom. [Many women (who waited longer than me, and some who are still not pregnant) have shared their testimony on my blog. (They are under the “Testimonies” category.) These women, God did not heal every one of them, in their barren womb, but He has healed every one of them in their barren soul. These women all testify of God’s promises and goodness in a powerful way.]

      During the time I experienced infertility, I realized that I not only had a barren womb, but I had a barren soul. My soul was thirsty and dry, like a desert, like a barren wasteland. (I would encourage you to read, “About My Barrennes.”)

      I had “accepted” that this was God’s will for my life–that I would never be able to have kids. I “tolerated” this was His plan. Until one day, He showed me that He didn’t die for me just so I could “accept” and “tolerate” His plan. He wanted me to embrace it, to embrace HIM.

      He wanted to show me how to be grateful and thank Him even when I couldn’t get pregnant–and He wanted to show me how to worship Him when my arms were empty.

      And that’s what I did. Before I was pregnant, I learned to worship Him and rejoice in Him. I learned to look forward to His plan unfolding even if it meant I would never have kids. (See the article, “Motherhood is a Beautiful Calling, But it’s not the Only One.”)

      My blog is not about getting what you want. It’s not even about trusting God for what you want. It’s about trusting in God, and rejoicing in Him–even when you don’t have what you want. Even if you never have what you want. Because God doesn’t promise anyone a baby (neither do I), but He does promise Himself. And this is the greatest gift He could give any of us. I mean that.

      I know that you said “it’s easy for me to say” but this is something God taught me *while* I was still barren. And it wasn’t easy. But it was life-changing. God showed me *while* I was still barren to thank Him for my infertility. When I began to thank Him for everything I possibly could about not getting pregnant, it changed something in me. I actually began to have joy again.

      I fully knew I may never have children.

      And one day God really broke into my soul–which had been so very dry, and so very thirsty. He showed me that even though my womb was barren, my heart and soul didn’t have to be. Do you know why? Because his Holy Spirit was living in me. And He is the one who makes us alive–SO very alive.

      And that was the moment, truly, when God took the barreness of my soul away. (Again, not after I got pregnant–before!) And THIS is the hope that I want to share with women.

      That God can come in and change us on the inside, that He brings His beauty and life and joy to our very souls.

      All of us apart from Jesus Christ, are barren inside. (In our souls.) We are thirsty and dry, and we have a thirst that cannot be quenched by anything in this world–except God himself.

      I can’t promise anyone a baby–but I can promise you Jesus Christ. He is the River of Life–that whoever drinks of Him will never thirst again. His Spirit makes us alive.

      I truly believe, with all my heart, that all of us, men, women, people with 2 years of infertility, or 20 years of infertility, people who have tons of kids–all of us have a “barren soul” apart from Jesus.

      And though I do not know your pain, Jesus does. He was aquainted with grief, and more sorrow than any one of us could ever even begin to comprehend. No one knows pain or suffering the way Jesus does. I encourage you to bring your pain to Him. Because He can carry it for you. I say this tears. He can carry it for you. And there is hope in Him, and there is hope that this life is not the end. That we can live with Him forever in heaven. And one day there will be healing for every pain in this life, and He will wipe every tear away from our eyes. And that one day we will truly know what means to transform from barren to beautiful.

      Reply

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Hi, I’m Rebekah Fox.

I was once a barren woman. I had a barren womb, and a very barren soul. But God saw me in my barrenness--and He delivered me. Not only of a barren womb, but a barren soul, too. He opened my eyes to His beauty all around me. And every day, I need Him to do it again, in my heart, and in my spirit. To take me from Barren to Beautiful. Because I am weak, and broken, and sinful, but He--He is beautiful. If the Spirit has led you here, perhaps He wants to take your barrenness away--and birth something more beautiful than you ever imagined.

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Rebekah Fox

barrentobeautiful

I help women struggling with infertility to hope in Christ and allow Him to transform them from barren to beautiful—on the inside. 🌸

You’re invited 🌿 The past 3 summers I’ve i You’re invited 🌿

The past 3 summers I’ve invited my readers and friends to join me in a social media fast—

and it has been extremely restorative and fruitful. 

I want to invite you to join me for this, because I have experienced how freeing this has been. It begins on June 1, but you could join whenever you are reading this.:)

There are two choices:
The Sprint—fasting June 1-July 1 🏃🏻‍♀️ 

The Marathon—fasting June 1-September 1 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

The thing is, while I love following so many of your beautiful profiles (especially those of you who write for the glory of God) the truth is, you’re not the reason I’m going. It’s everything else.

I’ve found that my soul needs breaks from scrolling, from information, from watching, and from the many voices and opinions, and the idolatry that I’m so prone to adore and replicate.

Summer has become for me, a beautiful growing time. A quiet time, and a hidden time. 

If you choose to do one of these fasts—you will miss out. You will miss out on the happenings in the Christian world, you will miss out on being seen, you will miss out on the latest controversy, and the latest debate. 

But what you will gain, is so much more. 

For you will discover the forgotten beauty of the secret place.🌿

This summer, let your greatest ambition to be this: to know Him.

Nothing could be more freeing.
Nothing could be more fruitful.

Abide in him, and he will abide in you. He is the vine, and you are the branches and apart from him, we can do nothing. 

It’s a practical move this fast. It feels like pruning shears. But he only prunes, to make us more fruitful. 

This is my last night here for a while. 

I just felt prompted to invite you on this adventure, too.🌿
I won’t see you, but God will see you. And that’s all that really matters.

The link in my bio will explain everything about how the fast works.

If you do need to get in touch, you can email me at barrentobeautifulblog@gmail.com

Happy summer!🌿

Photo cred: My daughter when we visited the @wildandfree.co Forest Cabin 2 summers ago 🌿
Early on in my writing for #ttc women, I realized Early on in my writing for #ttc women, I realized my blog posts were not enough. These grieving women needed more than a blog post, or a Facebook comment. The women with empty wombs and longing hearts—needed something to hold in their hands. 
Hope. 
They needed the hope of Christ.

I’m delighted to say my dear friends @jennmhesse and @kelramsey at @waiting.in.hope Infertility Ministry have brought this hope to bear in their new book, “Waiting in Hope.”

This is the book I would have read from the bathroom floor on the nights I wept for a baby and God felt so silent and far away. This was the book I wished I had walking the lonely journey of infertility—too ashamed to ask for help, or even prayer. 

If you are a woman #ttc let this book be the gift you buy yourself for this Mother’s Day. 

Like two, gentle loving sisters who have walked this path, Jen and Kelly will lead you to wait in Hope—for the One who himself is Hope.

He sees you. He hears you. 
And you are not alone. 
Not anymore. 

There is a beautiful community of women, full of faith, compassion, and hope that long to come around you at @waiting.in.hope . 

But you can start here, by reading these 31 reflections for walking with God through infertility. You will be so glad you did. I promise.

**a few notes about these pictures.
I wanted this book with my tulips because I have to wait so long through the winter for them to grow. They are to me, the symbol of hope each spring.🌷

Second, to get the book to lay flat, in pic #5 I had to open my hand. And it reminded me, of how infertility was a season of unclenching my fists, and opening my hands in faith and surrender and worship. Open hands are also the only posture for receiving. And I pray this book opens yours.

May this book bless you and infuse you with real, living, tangible hope. Which is, the hope of Jesus. 🌿

Purchase at 
@waiting.in.hope and follow this amazing community of support! #ttc #infertility #infertilityawareness #hope
Ah, the words I most needed to hear this morning—once again—come from God’s Word through the prophet Isaiah! A woe to those who are tempted to trust in FLESH and not SPIRIT. (That’s me!) And a call to return to the Lord, the Holy One of Israel. For he, too, is “wise and brings disaster.” 

I love what Alec Motyer writes in his commentary—which has counseled my heart so many mornings, but especially this one:
“The Lord never merely reacts to events as if sprung on him. He has prepared all beforehand is totally master of the situation.”

I encourage you to read Isaiah 31, and see Motyer’s notes here. See if your heart does tremble at the Holy One of Israel. See with what piercing accuracy the word of God penetrates your heart. 

And his final note—the blood of the lamb did not seem like enough for the Angel of death to pass over—but it was. His ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

Whatever God says, is true, and right. He alone is God—He is totally master of the situation. More than we could ever know or understand. He is worthy of all trust, all praise, all worship. I remind you, as I remind myself:
Do not rely on the flesh, for what only the Spirit of God can do. 💛
💛 💛
“I invited you, but you did not come.” It see “I invited you, but you did not come.”

It seems like a love letter, sometimes, this book, raw, aching words—though they come from God. What we see here is an invitation and a reproof. I imagine it almost like getting a beautiful wedding invitation, saying “this is what we could have had,” but then at the bottom are the painful words, “…but you were unwilling.” 

You refused to trust me, you refused to come after me, and you frantically panicked and went after other gods—who cannot save you. 

I don’t mean to add anything that’s not there, just pondering this one line out of the whole chapter 30 of Isaiah. I’ve wanted to write this verse at the end of cards and letters, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength…” and just end it there. Except I cannot edit out the very heart of God to fit my nice letter of comfort. The reproof is attached, “But you were unwilling.” These words pierce my heart. 

And I only share them to marvel at the heart of God. To allow His words to be wielded, to let them pierce our hearts. Nothing is sharper than the word of God. And it is good to ponder His word—even when it brings a sorrow, it is a godly sorrow that leads to repentance. It stings sometimes, but we must read the whole counsel of God. We must not gut it of the difficult parts. For in it, God’s heart is exposed to us—and it’s a heart so loving as we’ve never seen in anyone on earth. (Except, in the person of Jesus Christ!) 

Shortly after this, the Lord calls his people back, so tenderly it brings me to tears. What kind of love is this? What kind of God is this? Surely one who is worthy of our whole hearts, and whole lives, and ALL of our trust. 

Let us stay close to His Word, that we may know his heart. Nothing is more piercing or precise for today. He knew what He was doing when He breathed out these living words. We need them. They are life to us—for they lead to HIM. That we may know HIM as He is, and not merely as we think Him to be. 🧡 He is more wonderful than I ever thought, and still far greater than I know. I cannot probe the depths of His heart, and yet, through His word and Spirit, He probes the depths of mine.
Oh, listen to what God says in Isaiah 51:5-6! 
💛 

Lift up your eyes…

“…but my salvation will be forever, 
and my righteousness will never be dismayed.”
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