It’s Summer 2016 and it’s early morning. The beautiful glow of dawn fills the sunroom as I tip-toe in while my husband and daughter still sleep, and I sit with my steaming coffee, Bible open, and journal–and meet with God. And He with me. I sit and cry, and pray. I read Scripture and marvel in wonder at God. It tastes good, God’s Word, it goes down smooth like wine, and fills my belly with warmth. He speaks to me and satisfies my soul. Meeting with Him is not a discipline–but a deep pleasure, I can’t get enough of.
That was then.
It’s Winter 2017 and it’s early morning. The sky is black, the sun hasn’t even begun to dawn. But my son has. He’s screaming in his crib, and I rush in to try to silence his cries before he wakes the rest of the house. I whisk him downstairs, with no other light but the glow of the Christmas tree. And…I’m tired. So tired.
I’m tired because I was up from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. with our 4-year-old daughter who kept waking up crying, and sick. And my son who woke up for a feeding in between all of that. It was 4:47 a.m. when I last looked at the clock and I wake up to him crying at 6 a.m. sharp.
The day begins with screaming.
You know how when you’re so tired–you can’t wait to get your cup of coffee?
But, do you also know, how when you are so extremely, beyond tired–and you are still hoping by some small miracle you can crawl back in bed–and you can’t even accept the fact yet, that your day is beginning NOW? And you don’t even want coffee yet because you don’t want to even try to wake yourself up?
That was this morning. For me.
I was so tired, I wanted to cry. Maybe I did. I don’t remember.
I made coffee, and set my son Jesse down in the pile of toys on the floor. Because there wasn’t any chance of him (or me) going back to sleep.
The sunroom was dark, and cold, because we don’t heat it in the winter. And it reminded me of my soul. How far it feels I’ve fallen. From grace.
I used to delight waking up early and reading my Bible–now, I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. And I can’t even think straight.
I think I tried to flip open my Bible this morning. I think maybe I read something–but to be honest I really don’t remember, because even if I did, I was too tired to even remember what it was or make sense of it.
My brain did not compute.
All I remember, is sitting there on the floor with my son and the toys, and feeling so exhausted, so out of sorts, and so unprepared to face the day ahead. I did not look put together, with sweatpants and a hoodie, and a giant messy bun. I did not feel put together.
I felt like I was literally falling apart.
But somehow, as I was sipping my coffee, and pulling my son away from the various hazards that one-year-old boys find, I began to sing this song.
“Your grace is enough,
Your grace is enough,
Your grace is enough, for me.”
I haven’t sung this song (by Matt Maher) since the summer and I’m not sure how it even popped into my head. But somehow, this morning, it just came out of me. Maybe the Holy Spirit was just singing it.
As I sang it slowly, I thought about the words, and I meant them.
I sang it again and again, and tears filled my eyes, and I sang it to God.
“Your grace is enough,
Your grace is enough,
Your grace is enough, for me.”
[clickToTweet tweet=”I think grace becomes so much more powerful when we desperately need it. ” quote=”I think grace becomes so much more powerful when we desperately need it. “]
And this morning I so desperately needed His grace. His help. His strength. His energy.
I had nothing left in me. Nothing.
And I knew it.
And isn’t this the only place where grace lives?
When we have nothing?
When we are so desperate?
And we realize it?
Don’t get me wrong, I loved when I was in a season of life where I could wake up early and spend time with God in His word. But this season–is not that.
[I still need to spend time in God’s Word–His Word is life to me. No matter how hard it is or how busy we feel–I always need to keep that a top priority. It just can’t look the way it did in the Summer of 2016 because I have another baby now. And this baby is a beautiful blessing from God, the answer to my sobbing prayers.]
What I realized this morning though was, even when we are completely floundering God is there.
He doesn’t wait for us to have our act together. He doesn’t wait for us to be put together.
He wants us to come in our weakness.
He wants us to come when we feel like crap.
He wants us to come when we are so tired we are going to fall over.
Because then He can hold us.
Then He can hold us.
[clickToTweet tweet=”He wants us to come when we are so tired we are going to fall over. Because then He can hold us. ” quote=”He wants us to come in our weakness. He wants us to come when we feel like crap. He wants us to come when we are so tired we are going to fall over. Because then He can hold us.”]
And He does.
All I had this morning was little lyric of a song. I don’t even know how it came to me. But it did.
“Your grace is enough,
Your grace is enough,
Your grace is enough, for me.”
Sometimes I look back at some very difficult experiences I had in my life, and wonder how I got through them? How was I okay?
I know the only answer: It was His grace.
Because His grace powerfully manifests when we need it.
When we need Him.
If you are exhausted, totally floundering, overwhelmed, unprepared to face the day, and just all over the place, then lean into Him. Fall hard into Him. Because His grace is sufficient for you, and His power is made perfect in your weakness.
And sing,
“Your grace is enough,
Your grace is enough,
Your grace is enough, for me.”
[If you want to hear this song by Matt Maher you can click this YouTube link for “Your Grace Is Enough.” Or, the slower version here. Praying it will be stuck in your head like it is in mine, and become your mantra today.<3]
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