There was a time, a long time ago, when I sat on the bathroom floor and wept for just one child.
I didn’t know what would happen. I prayed God would give us a child, but I never “claimed” that He would. How could I know the mystery of God?
And yet, several years later, God answered my cries. He gave us a precious baby girl, we named her Selah. (Which is from the Psalms, and means “pause, and reflect on this”.) You can read Why We Named Her Selah.
When Selah was four, we had been experiencing about three years of secondary infertility, and weren’t sure if I would ever be able to have another child. (We were still so thankful to even have one!) But during that time, we prayed about it and felt led to get certified to become foster parents. We were so excited that we could open our hearts and home to a child who would be desperate for our love and protection.
But the week before we finished our 90-Day certification process, and were supposed to receive our first foster child, and we had set up the nursery, and I had washed all our baby things in Dreft—I found out I was pregnant. (You can’t make this stuff up!) We were so shocked at this turn of events, and humbled to tears that the nursery we were preparing was actually to be for our own child, who was already growing inside of me.
And the last couple years, my days have been so full of these precious children, who need all of me, all the time. Getting to raise these miracles takes everything I have, and more. It takes total dependency on Christ–and becoming increasingly aware that I need more of Him, every day. And so do they.
As exhausting as motherhood is–infertility leaves a mark on you. You simply can’t forget the nights you’ve wept for the ones who are now yours. You can’t forget how you’ve prayed for them, and how it wasn’t long ago that your arms ached to do what you are doing now.
Infertility changes you—in many ways for the better. For one, it makes you loosen the grip you thought you had on your life. It helps you realize that your life is not your own–it’s for the glory of God, however He chooses. It helps you realize that you are not your own, your body is from God and you are at His mercy. Only He can open the womb, or open the doors to whatever destiny He has for you, whether it’s bearing children, or rescuing them from orphanages (through adoption), or abusive families (through foster care).
That’s why, when people ask you questions like, “Do you want to have kids?” or, “Do you want to have more kids?” You aren’t quite sure how to respond.
Or, you will hear people tell you an exact number of kids they want. And something twists in you.
Because those are sacred things. Those, are often wrapped up in the mystery of God–only to be revealed in His time.
When you’ve struggled with infertility, you simply learn to open your arms. And keep them open, to whatever plan He has–knowing He will absolutely bring it about in His time.
Like the song, “Control,” by Tenth Avenue North, you say:
“I take my hands off of my life,
And give You control,
I give you control.”
I honestly didn’t know if we would have more children, I was content not to know. My husband and I agreed, “If God wants to give us more, than He will.” So, we just surrendered it over to Him, thankful that He had already blessed us with two precious children.
But, He had more plans. And, I did not see them coming at all.
This January, I was actually in a place where I felt like I was finally feeling “normal again.” Jesse was two now, the baby stage was behind us, my body had finally gone back to normal, more importantly, my hormones felt back to normal–after pregnancy, postpartum, nursing, post-weaning–and ALL the craziness it brought me–I finally felt like I was back to my old self again!
I was actually feeling thankful that I was in a place I could just enjoy our season of life with our two kids.
I had big plans to write my book, work on my writing goals, give more attention to this blog, and about a hundred other things on my to-do list.
And I have a feeling God was smiling the whole time, as I was filling out all those big January goal sheets.
Because about a week into January, I realized my period was a day late. So, I took a test. And the two faintest lines appeared.
I had to hold it in pure sunlight streaming in from the window to be sure.
The faintest second line was there.
And I dropped to my knees on the bathroom floor.
“God, am I pregnant?
Is there life in me?” I whispered.
I could not believe it.
When my husband got home, I told him the news and he was just as shocked as I was.
We hugged, and laughed, and stared at each other in disbelief. And we thanked God for this little life that He made.
I am 12 weeks pregnant now, and my hands tremble to write these words. I am in awe that God would give us this unexpected blessing, and we are praising God for this life.
However, I really wrestled with how to share this news with you, because I know that you might be trying to get pregnant right now. And I know how pregnancy announcements can sting. I know how they can knock the wind out of you.
I know how they can feel like it’s so easy for everybody else, but you.
I’ve felt all of these things before, too.
The reason I share this news, is not to hurt you. But simply to give testimony to God–and tell of His works.
Psalms 105: 2-3 says,
“Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works!
Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!”
I have to believe that when we tell of what God has done, and how He is moving, it gives Him glory and strengthens the hearts of His people. This is why I share women’s testimonies on my blog–because whether it’s a miracle of the womb, or a miracle of the soul–both are the wonderful works of God.
For those of you who are hurting right now—I wish I could heal your pain, I wish I could take it away, but I can’t. And there is only One who can, Jesus.
I am praying that you walk with Him during this season. Because when I had a barren womb, it wasn’t just my womb that was barren, it was my soul. I looked put together on the outside–but inside of me was a dry, barren land. My soul was so thirsty for God–and I didn’t even know it.
But God met me in that desert I was living in—not by giving me a baby. But by giving me Himself. He showed me that HE was the one I was longing for all along–and the only one who could satisfy me, and water me, and give me life. (And He did this before I ever got pregnant.)
If you aren’t familiar with my story, I encourage you to read When God Takes You From Barren to Beautiful.
I believe that Jesus wants to water every thirsty woman who finds herself with a barren soul, (whether struggling with infertility, or not). That’s why He is called the Living Water.
I know I can’t promise anyone a baby, but I can promise you a River. His name is Jesus Christ. And if you drink of Him, you shall never thirst again.
And I pray He waters you more than you ever thought possible. I pray that He brings your soul from a place of being barren and dry, to a place of being watered and filled with His beauty and life.
Lastly, I come to you as your sister and friend. Thank you for allowing me to walk this journey with you, and thank you for walking with me. Personally, I have been very sick these past few months due to the pregnancy. (And this is why I haven’t been posting as much.) Would you please pray for me, and pray for this little one within? I would love it if you could.
My soul is so thirsty for Him right now. I pray yours is, too. Because I know He will come to water us.
“For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.” Isaiah 44:3
Let it be so.
You are precious and deeply loved.