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Barren to Beautiful

To The One Feeling Major Anxiety With The Start Of The School Year

Culture· Growing in God· Motherhood

23 Aug

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When I was a kid, I used to be terrified the night before school started. So much, that I couldn’t sleep.  So much that one year, my little sister and I decided to get out of bed and do jumping jacks–just to make us tired enough to sleep. (Of course we got in big trouble when my parents heard “thumping” coming from our second story bedroom. And soon, we were back to laying in our beds, just staring into the darkness, and praying for the apocalypse to come before morning.)

I’m no longer praying for the apocalyspe, but “Back to School” season still brings me some major anxiety, even though I’m no longer a student, or a teacher. But just because the season is changing.

The other night we were driving home when I felt my stomach starting to twist into knots. I just felt…anxious. And I couldn’t connect it with any one thing. It was just everything. “Everything is making me feel anxious,” I told my husband. I couldn’t find the words, it was just…anxiety that slithered in like python, and was beginning to wrap around me.

I started to think about the start of the school year. And about the way our schedule will change. The new responsibilities I will be taking on. The goals I have. The expectations, and mounting pressure to, “Do more, and be more.”

And I don’t know if you ever feel this…anxiety.

But I do.

And I think it’s the same thing I’ve been wrestling since elementary school, when I was afraid I wouldn’t have someone to sit with at lunch, or I wouldn’t know the answer, or I wouldn’t be good enough for the team.

And the thing I fear is: Inadequacy.

My inadaquacy.

The fear of not being able. Of being insufficient. “Not enough.” Or too weak to follow through with my goals. The fear of not meeting expectations. The fear of failing. Of not performing well enough.

And as I thought about the year ahead, I just felt so sure I would drown in it.

“You will never be good enough. No matter how hard you try, you will always fail.” 

I  felt like I already failed—and I hadn’t even started yet.

“I’ll never have enough time to accomplish what I need to do. I’ll by flying by the seat of my pants as always. I’ll be stressed out. I’ll never have the energy. I will always do a mediocre job at everything I do.”

I felt defeated—and I hadn’t even tried yet.

And then came the worst voice of all, “What are you so worried about? It’s not like you’re even doing anything. People do tons more than you every day, and you don’t hear them moaning about it! Just suck it up!”

If you have ever heard a voice like this, or had a thought like this, I want to tell you right now: this is not from your Abba Father.

This is from the enemy of your soul.

And you want to know something? He wants to destroy you.

Because no matter what your “job” is, no matter if you get paid the big bucks, or none; no matter if you are teaching, or homeschooling, or just walking your child to the bus; no matter if you have six kids, or one; no matter if you have lots of supervisors to report to, or you are self-employed—you may be hearing these whispers, too.

They come from a deep and dark place, and they are the voice of the enemy. And they just keep whispering, “Inadequacy, inadequacy, inadequacy.”

Direct Your Deeds To The Lord

The morning I was wrestling those whispers, and my stomach was churning with anxiety, I happened to read Hosea 5:4, “They do not direct their deeds toward turningto their God, for the spirit of harlotry is in their midst, and they do not know the Lord.”

What pierced me, was that God says,“They do not direct their deeds toward turning to their God’… ‘And they do not know the Lord.” I looked down at my list of “to-do’s” and realized something BIG: I was not directing my deeds to the Lord.

And that’s why insurmountable stress was building. I was taking on goals, and responsibilities, and jobs myself—and not directing those “deeds” to the Lord. I was not even asking Him for help.

I completely believe that God wants us to call on Him during even the most minor tasks. So yes, call on His strength when you are scrubbing the toilet, ask for His patience while your internet is being slow, ask for His love when your husband desperately needs a back massage and you are tired as a dog. Because…

This life was never meant to be lived apart from the all-sufficiency of Jesus Christ.

And we desperately need Him to invade every single area of lives with His grace. And something happens when you call on Him—He comes. He gives you the strength. He brings you the peace. He fills you with the joy.

When Anxiety Meets His All-Suffiency 

I know the voices that rise against you, because they rise against me, too. And I could try to encourage you by telling you how great you are. How talented. How there is no one like you. But at the end of the day…that doesn’t actually help.

See, God spoke to my anxious heart. And He didn’t encourage me by telling me how great I was, He encouraged me, He empowered me by telling me how great He was.

And as I looked over my scribbled to-do list, and prayed for the strength to do it, God just spoke so simply and softly to my heart. This is what He said:

“My Grace is where your “not enoughness” meets My all-sufficiency.”

My Grace is where your “not enoughness” meets My all-sufficiency.

Dear brothers and sisters, there is so much grace in Jesus Christ. And for the one who feels like you failed, before you’ve even begun this year…To the one who feels defeated, before you’ve even got started, maybe it’s today is the day you lay your insufficiency down at the cross of His all-sufficiency.

It was as if He is shouting,
“Hey! All you insufficient ones! I will make you sufficient!
All you weak ones! I will be your strength!
All you unable ones! I will make you able!
So call to Me! Cry to Me! Because I am going to blow your mind this year!
And you won’t be impressed with what you can do! But you will be in total awe…of what I can do! And at the end of it, you will fall down and weep with joy because with your own eyes you will see and behold Me!” 

God is going to give you everything you need this year.

God is going to give you the energy you need. The financial provisions you need. The mind you need. The motivation you need. The organization you need. The vision you need. The weakness you need. The brokenness you need. The humility you need.

And He is going to give you Himself.

And He will fulfill His purpose for you.

So the pressure is off. And we can send the whispers of anxiety back to the father of lies, where they came from.

Because we have a good, good Father. And as long as we fall on Him, we cannot fail.

His grace is sufficient for us. His power is made perfect in our weakness. And when we are weak, He is even more strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And God did not entrust you to anything this year that He will not overwhelmingly empower you to do.

So come, indadequate ones and fall on His grace, that beautiful place where your not-enoughness meets His all-sufficiency.

“For He who calls you is faithful, and He will surely do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:24

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  1. Lisa says

    August 24, 2015 at 3:10 am

    I love this post. I needed this tonight. Thank You!!!

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      September 1, 2015 at 1:12 am

      Thanks Lisa,
      I wrote this about two weeks ago..but I keep coming back to what the Lord showed me, “My Grace is where your not enoughness meets My all sufficiency.” I keep forgetting, when the stress starts mounting, that He is RIGHT THERE ready to rush in to help me at my simply cry. I hope this year can be more full of GOD than any other year, and in your life too!

      Reply

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Hi, I’m Rebekah Fox.

I was once a barren woman. I had a barren womb, and a very barren soul. But God saw me in my barrenness--and He delivered me. Not only of a barren womb, but a barren soul, too. He opened my eyes to His beauty all around me. And every day, I need Him to do it again, in my heart, and in my spirit. To take me from Barren to Beautiful. Because I am weak, and broken, and sinful, but He--He is beautiful. If the Spirit has led you here, perhaps He wants to take your barrenness away--and birth something more beautiful than you ever imagined.

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Rebekah Fox

barrentobeautiful

I help women struggling with infertility to hope in Christ and allow Him to transform them from barren to beautiful—on the inside. 🌸

You’re invited 🌿 The past 3 summers I’ve i You’re invited 🌿

The past 3 summers I’ve invited my readers and friends to join me in a social media fast—

and it has been extremely restorative and fruitful. 

I want to invite you to join me for this, because I have experienced how freeing this has been. It begins on June 1, but you could join whenever you are reading this.:)

There are two choices:
The Sprint—fasting June 1-July 1 🏃🏻‍♀️ 

The Marathon—fasting June 1-September 1 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

The thing is, while I love following so many of your beautiful profiles (especially those of you who write for the glory of God) the truth is, you’re not the reason I’m going. It’s everything else.

I’ve found that my soul needs breaks from scrolling, from information, from watching, and from the many voices and opinions, and the idolatry that I’m so prone to adore and replicate.

Summer has become for me, a beautiful growing time. A quiet time, and a hidden time. 

If you choose to do one of these fasts—you will miss out. You will miss out on the happenings in the Christian world, you will miss out on being seen, you will miss out on the latest controversy, and the latest debate. 

But what you will gain, is so much more. 

For you will discover the forgotten beauty of the secret place.🌿

This summer, let your greatest ambition to be this: to know Him.

Nothing could be more freeing.
Nothing could be more fruitful.

Abide in him, and he will abide in you. He is the vine, and you are the branches and apart from him, we can do nothing. 

It’s a practical move this fast. It feels like pruning shears. But he only prunes, to make us more fruitful. 

This is my last night here for a while. 

I just felt prompted to invite you on this adventure, too.🌿
I won’t see you, but God will see you. And that’s all that really matters.

The link in my bio will explain everything about how the fast works.

If you do need to get in touch, you can email me at barrentobeautifulblog@gmail.com

Happy summer!🌿

Photo cred: My daughter when we visited the @wildandfree.co Forest Cabin 2 summers ago 🌿
Early on in my writing for #ttc women, I realized Early on in my writing for #ttc women, I realized my blog posts were not enough. These grieving women needed more than a blog post, or a Facebook comment. The women with empty wombs and longing hearts—needed something to hold in their hands. 
Hope. 
They needed the hope of Christ.

I’m delighted to say my dear friends @jennmhesse and @kelramsey at @waiting.in.hope Infertility Ministry have brought this hope to bear in their new book, “Waiting in Hope.”

This is the book I would have read from the bathroom floor on the nights I wept for a baby and God felt so silent and far away. This was the book I wished I had walking the lonely journey of infertility—too ashamed to ask for help, or even prayer. 

If you are a woman #ttc let this book be the gift you buy yourself for this Mother’s Day. 

Like two, gentle loving sisters who have walked this path, Jen and Kelly will lead you to wait in Hope—for the One who himself is Hope.

He sees you. He hears you. 
And you are not alone. 
Not anymore. 

There is a beautiful community of women, full of faith, compassion, and hope that long to come around you at @waiting.in.hope . 

But you can start here, by reading these 31 reflections for walking with God through infertility. You will be so glad you did. I promise.

**a few notes about these pictures.
I wanted this book with my tulips because I have to wait so long through the winter for them to grow. They are to me, the symbol of hope each spring.🌷

Second, to get the book to lay flat, in pic #5 I had to open my hand. And it reminded me, of how infertility was a season of unclenching my fists, and opening my hands in faith and surrender and worship. Open hands are also the only posture for receiving. And I pray this book opens yours.

May this book bless you and infuse you with real, living, tangible hope. Which is, the hope of Jesus. 🌿

Purchase at 
@waiting.in.hope and follow this amazing community of support! #ttc #infertility #infertilityawareness #hope
Ah, the words I most needed to hear this morning—once again—come from God’s Word through the prophet Isaiah! A woe to those who are tempted to trust in FLESH and not SPIRIT. (That’s me!) And a call to return to the Lord, the Holy One of Israel. For he, too, is “wise and brings disaster.” 

I love what Alec Motyer writes in his commentary—which has counseled my heart so many mornings, but especially this one:
“The Lord never merely reacts to events as if sprung on him. He has prepared all beforehand is totally master of the situation.”

I encourage you to read Isaiah 31, and see Motyer’s notes here. See if your heart does tremble at the Holy One of Israel. See with what piercing accuracy the word of God penetrates your heart. 

And his final note—the blood of the lamb did not seem like enough for the Angel of death to pass over—but it was. His ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

Whatever God says, is true, and right. He alone is God—He is totally master of the situation. More than we could ever know or understand. He is worthy of all trust, all praise, all worship. I remind you, as I remind myself:
Do not rely on the flesh, for what only the Spirit of God can do. 💛
💛 💛
“I invited you, but you did not come.” It see “I invited you, but you did not come.”

It seems like a love letter, sometimes, this book, raw, aching words—though they come from God. What we see here is an invitation and a reproof. I imagine it almost like getting a beautiful wedding invitation, saying “this is what we could have had,” but then at the bottom are the painful words, “…but you were unwilling.” 

You refused to trust me, you refused to come after me, and you frantically panicked and went after other gods—who cannot save you. 

I don’t mean to add anything that’s not there, just pondering this one line out of the whole chapter 30 of Isaiah. I’ve wanted to write this verse at the end of cards and letters, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength…” and just end it there. Except I cannot edit out the very heart of God to fit my nice letter of comfort. The reproof is attached, “But you were unwilling.” These words pierce my heart. 

And I only share them to marvel at the heart of God. To allow His words to be wielded, to let them pierce our hearts. Nothing is sharper than the word of God. And it is good to ponder His word—even when it brings a sorrow, it is a godly sorrow that leads to repentance. It stings sometimes, but we must read the whole counsel of God. We must not gut it of the difficult parts. For in it, God’s heart is exposed to us—and it’s a heart so loving as we’ve never seen in anyone on earth. (Except, in the person of Jesus Christ!) 

Shortly after this, the Lord calls his people back, so tenderly it brings me to tears. What kind of love is this? What kind of God is this? Surely one who is worthy of our whole hearts, and whole lives, and ALL of our trust. 

Let us stay close to His Word, that we may know his heart. Nothing is more piercing or precise for today. He knew what He was doing when He breathed out these living words. We need them. They are life to us—for they lead to HIM. That we may know HIM as He is, and not merely as we think Him to be. 🧡 He is more wonderful than I ever thought, and still far greater than I know. I cannot probe the depths of His heart, and yet, through His word and Spirit, He probes the depths of mine.
Oh, listen to what God says in Isaiah 51:5-6! 
💛 

Lift up your eyes…

“…but my salvation will be forever, 
and my righteousness will never be dismayed.”
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