As I write down my thoughts and dreams, my interactions of each day I can truly see myself as a whole person these days. But it wasn’t always this way …
I can look back into my “diary” and see the transaction from the last few years, last few months, mainly the last few weeks. Just recently I have become the person I had always led on to be.
The strong one. The one who is truly happy for you.
The one who is “OK” she is not carrying the child she has longed for, for years.
I find myself smiling at situations I once cried at.
I find myself dancing and singing in the front row at church.
I find myself carrying on more positive conversations with those who truly care.
I find myself when I look into the mirror – finally.
I once carried myself as a disappointment–rather a true daughter of the Lord. I was disappointing my husband–who wants to be a dad just as much as I want to be a mom.
Spending hours missing work to drive miles and miles because what that one doctor told me, I didn’t want to believe–and what the other doctor told me, I didn’t want to hear.
I thought maybe someone who didn’t know me from my past appointments would say something I hadn’t heard yet. But they all said the same, “We will just keep trying.” “Your next cycle will be different.” “ALL THINGS DOCTORS SAY.”
One day, I stopped listening to what those doctors were saying and listened to what my heart of hearts was saying.
It spoke so loud to me one day, and I knew what I had to do.
I had to cry and pray.
Pray and cry.
One day I woke up feeling not so sad, not so heavy hearted…I felt like me again. The person who I was before all this pressure of getting pregnant, providing my husband with a child, providing a grandchild to my parents.
I felt free.
Yes, there are some days that are easier than others. Yes, there will be days harder to come…but I know where to go on those days – and that makes it all the easier.
I prayed for comfort, for a solution, for something to change my life and the whole time it was inside right there inside of me.
This gift given to us from God, this gift to “The Grinders.”
The gift of peace.
The gift of peace that He has it.
God’s got it.
Thank you Betsy for sharing how God’s gift of peace is restoring life to your spirit and soul as you trust Him! God is surely able to saturate the thirsty soul with Himself, and He longs for each of us, whether we face infertility or some other struggle, to rest, to surrender, and to believe with all our heart: God’s got it. Because He does.
If you have a testimony you would like to share here on Testimony Tuesdays at Barren to Beautiful, email me at [email protected] ! To check out the writer’s guidelines see my page, “Want To Share Your Testimony?”
Thanks for this. My husband and I are 8+ years in, and we are “Grinders.” Good to see we are not alone. 🙂
We are never alone… it is just us who has to open our eyes and our hearts to see that.
Hope this helps you!