They are just three little words.
But they are hard to say.
And they’re not, “I love you.”
They are more honest than that. They are more desperate than that. They are more powerful than that.
And they are what real friendship is made of.
I heard my little sister say those three little words to me on the phone, as her 8-month-old cried in the background, and my two-year-old spread oatmeal through her hair, and because she said them, and the way she said them, I dropped my plans and met her an hour away at an outlet mall–because I knew she meant them.
I said those three little words last fall, the night I stood at my friend’s door in the pouring rain, frazzled and overwhelmed, because I felt like such a failure as a mom, and she invited me in. And we hugged, and I just cried on her couch. And somehow all my questions and all my fears were answered in her very simple smile. And her gentle nodding, and offering me tissues, and brownies.
And that same friend said those three little words in a text message last week, along with the news that made me bury my face in my hands, and cry for her, and drive to her house with a bouquet of white roses that weren’t enough, but they were all I could think of. And we just sat on her couch, without words, and tried not to cry, while her toddler daughter sat between us and held both of our hands, as if she understood it all perfectly–as if she were the very peace of God.
The three little words are not profound, but they are powerful. And when it comes to friendships, they move mountains.
So what are the three little words? They are,
I need you.
“I need you.”
It’s what my sister said on the phone, before we both took off to meet each other at a random “food court” rendezvous point, so we could see each other in person. So we could, even for a couple hours, be the sisters we were as children, the sisters that used to jump on the bed together, and talk late into the night–the sisters we desperately still need to be. And that day, I went to meet her because she needed me. But I drove home, realizing just how much I needed her.
“I need you.”
It’s what I said to my friend when I felt I was losing it as a mom. When I felt I was going to break from all the sleepless nights and crying. When I just needed to know she understood me. That she was for me. And that I wasn’t alone.
“I need you.”
It’s what my friend texted me the morning after a very long and dark night. “I need you…and I need you to pray for me.”
And she said later at her house, “I’m so sorry to drag you through this with me.”
And my heart wrenched because, what she didn’t know, what my flowers couldn’t say, what my words couldn’t express, was just how honored I was to be at her side. Just to walk with her through the valley. Just to sit with her until the dawn. Just to be her friend.
“I need you.”
They are just three simple words, so why are they so hard to say?
Maybe because we don’t want to believe we really need anyone.
Because maybe that makes us needy. Maybe that makes us incapable of doing it ourselves. Maybe that makes us no longer self-sufficient.
But do you know what God calls that kind of do-it-myself-at-all-costs type of self-sufficiency?
And pride makes a person very lonely.
It’s not just about having friends. It’s about having friends who you can fail in front of. Who you can be weak in front of. And it’s about giving your friends permission to serve you, when you need it.
We all want to be the stronger friend. We all want to be the advice-giver, not the advice-seeker. We all want to be the one ministering to others. We all want to look like we have it together (and typically hide away, until we do.)
But what if this is actually killing our relationships?
What if this desire to appear stronger, and wiser, and more peaceful than we really are, is actually making us weaker? What if it’s destroying our friendships, not saving them?
The generation we live in is more “self-sufficient” than any generation prior. We don’t really need each other anymore. I don’t need to ask my mom for parenting advice, I can get that online. I don’t need to call my sister for that recipe, I have Pinterest. I don’t need to ask my friend how she overcame a difficult season, I can just Google it.
It’s easier than ever before to become isolated.
But something beautiful happens when we need each other. And we’re not afraid to admit it.
Maybe the people closest to you don’t really know, how much you need them. Maybe they don’t realize how much they need you. But realizing we need one another, is the beginning of something; it’s the beginning of friendship.
So I’m going to dare you to tell them, to say those three little words:
“I need you.”
I don’t know who needs to hear it, but I guarantee someone does.
Maybe you need to say it to the friend you can’t imagine life without. The one who wipes your daughter’s runny nose without being asked. The one who broke a sweat putting your car seat into her car, just so you could ride together. The one who reminds you—you aren’t alone.
Maybe you need to say it to your sister, who you used to be so close with, and somehow have grown apart over the years. Maybe she feels you’re too busy with your own world, to enter hers. Maybe she doesn’t know that no one else in the universe can take her place, or make you feel like a kid again the way she does, or laugh the way she makes you laugh.
Maybe you need to say it to your mom, who feels you are too grown up for her now, or that you are too modern for her now, and that you don’t need her 80’s and 90’s advice–because you know better, when really you don’t. Because everyone needs a mom, no matter how much they deny it. And maybe she hasn’t felt needed by you for a very long time, not since putting on your diapers, and packing your lunches, and helping you pick out your prom dress–and she needs to hear you say those three little words that transform you back into the child she used to hold on her hip, the one one that used to lay her head on her chest when you were scared. You know you spent half your childhood calling out for her, even in the night, “Mom! Mom! Mom!” And maybe…she just longs to hear you say it again, “Mom, I need you.”
And maybe you need to say it to your husband, who feels estranged from you, even in your own bed. Who lives in your house, but feels a million miles away some nights. Because you’ve gotten good at serving him, but you’ve forgotten how to be his friend. And maybe he just needs you to lay on the couch and watch a football game with him, or to watch a movie (he picked out) together, or to stay up late and play a game of cards at the kitchen table. Maybe you’ve forgotten how to laugh together, how to have fun. And you’ve forgotten, he didn’t marry you to do his chores, or to oversee his schedule, he married you to be his wife. To be his friend. And just like everyone else, he waits to be needed. So maybe tonight you need to roll to the middle of your bed and whisper those three little words, “I need you.”
Oh weary soul, where are your friends? Perhaps they are all in waiting, waiting to be needed by you. Waiting to hear, those three little words, “I need you.” And if you can say them, and mean them, I think you will find a beautiful exchange of grace waiting for you there–in this place called “friendship.”
“For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” (Matt. 7:8) And when the door opens, I bet it will open faster, and stronger, and wider than you ever imagined. And when it does, and you’re just standing there on the porch, all you have to say, is three little words,
“I need you.”
Daniel Aluise says
Bekah, Thank you for this blog, and in particular, this message on friendship. I don’t know how many guys (men) read your blog, but your suggestion is terrifying to me. To tell a friend that I actually need him? It’s a difficult admission…but honest. Proverbs 17:17 says “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” You have shown a spot light on this truth with your post. And I am not only grateful, but humbled to follow through with the challenge and utter those three words. I will encourage my brothers in Christ to do likewise.
Dear Bekah, I totally need you. I needed you so much back in college when we shared a room and many cups of coffee, and I still need your understanding heart, your thoughtful wisdom, and hilarious sense of humor. Your visit this summer was also something we needed. We needed to spend time with heart-level friends who would sit around a fire with us and talk about real stuff. It was such a blessing to us. I love your blog and love this post!
This is absolutely gorgeous. I needed to read this today. Thank you so very much for sharing from your heart.
You are so welcome. They are the three hardest words to say, but I am convinced they break down so many walls that keep us isolated from each other. 😉
Ronah Amiscaray -Taño-an says
I was teary eyed when I read this Blog. Very True indeed!.