My name is Yvonne, from South Africa. I must say, it was the Holy Spirit that directed me to this blog. I remember the day I clicked on your link, I was broken, I was drained, and I had no strength, the whole past week I kept on asking God, “What have I done? What can I do to fix this?” My soul was empty just like my womb which has been barren for almost four years. I couldn’t even read my Bible. I kept questioning my faith. On this faithful day at work I was just browsing through the net, I’m tired of searching “how to get pregnant”, “infertility solutions,” maybe Google just doesn’t have answers, let me be more specific and I typed ‘barren testimonies’.” I needed an inspiration. “Barren to Beautiful” was on my top search – before I clicked on the link I had conflicted thoughts. Do I really want to remind myself that I can’t have children? Something inside me said, “God is Able.” I clicked.
It was the best thing I ever did. I saw God though your blog. I read it the whole day and I was filled with the Holy Spirit. That passage you said “my soul was barren” it touches me I then realized that indeed it is my soul that is barren, my womb is just unable for NOW. I realized that I needed God’s presence in my life, then I need a child. His Word says “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” I realized that I needed God to fill me with His Spirit so that I can trust in Him and relay in Him more. I need Him most.
That day I prayed to God, and I could feel His presence in my car, my house, my surroundings and my soul was filled with great Joy. Not the joy that God will do it, but the Joy that I’m having an encounter with the Holy Spirit. It was great. I needed to know and trust in God’s character before His plans. I needed to know who God is – what is His character. If He hasn’t done it to me it doesn’t mean He is not available or able, He is because He has done it to others. It gave me great Joy to know that even myself–I’m a miracle.
We’ve been married since 2014 and in 2015 we had an ectopic pregnancy and ever since it has been difficult to conceive. I have cried, I have prayed and fasted. There was a time I didn’t even want to have sex because it felt like just a waste of my time. I no longer enjoyed sex, and that it is putting a strain in our marriage. “At night you divorce me and that hurts me,” those are the words from my husband after our morning prayer. I was hurt. I was not hurt because he said those words, but I was hurt that I’m depriving my husband what the Bible says I shouldn’t. The Bible says we should not deprive each other of sexual relations unless we have a mutual understanding that is for prayer and fasting (1 Corinthians 5:7). I was so sad, he apologized for hurting me, and he could see that I was hurt. I was angry for myself that I’m depriving him what he cannot get from someone else, he need to get it from me. It pierced my heart that bleeds for the long time, and that morning is when I found a companion, a friend that understands what I’m going though, a family that will never judge, but prays for every barren woman and I’m included – Barren to Beautiful.
The other day we visited his parents, his mom was talking to other relatives they visited and they had children. She invited me in to meet them. “This one is my younger daughter-in-law. I pray every day that at least God gives her a child, even if they can be twins”. I fake my smile and try by all means to be natural as possible. Those words pierced through my heart. I saw myself as a useless being, just added a number into the family that refuse to expand its branches. I know my parents-in-laws wish is that they should not die before they see their last born’s first child. My mom too prays for that. But what can I do? Bearing a child is not as easy as baking scones, if it was so I would have bought the ingredients and bake them the cutest cupcakes they have ever seen. Unfortunately, it’s all in God hands and I depend on His time.
After our coming back, I suggested to my husband that its better he get someone outside our marriage to bear him a child since I can’t for now! (Yes, I said for NOW because I believe that I won’t be barren forever God will open my womb we just need to be patient.) But since my husband and parent-in-law can’t be patient, let me bear this cross alone . “But do you hear what you asking me to do?” He asked. Yes, I knew what I was asking of him, I wanted his parents to see and hold their grandchild before they die. I wanted them to die in peace knowing that they have seen their grandchild. Basically, I was asking my husband to commit adultery.
“I know the vows I took on our wedding day, unless you have forgotten yours,” my husband said. Ooh this man loves me, God I praise You for him. God I repent for not trusting You and forgetting our wedding vows. He said we will walk this road together. That gave me hope and I prayed for our marriage though I had no strength left in my fibre.
As I find Barren and Beautiful I was in that stage of giving up, not praying about it anymore because I was no longer even sure that God heard my prayers. This blog gave me Hope!
–Yvonne, South Africa
Thank you Yvonne for sharing your testimony. I am in awe how God directed you to Barren to Beautiful and I pray that He continues to bring your soul from Barren…to Beautiful!
Your testimony really shows how infertility can affect our marriages and our discernment. It is certainly challenging when you desire a baby so much (and family around you is also desiring you have a baby) we sometimes become willing to do “anything” to have to a baby. I am so glad in your life, that your husband and the Lord reminded you of your marriage vows and what would be most honoring to the Lord. He cares so deeply for you and will continue to guide you along the path He has planned for you. And like you reminded us, we need Him the most.
If you are reading this and can relate with Yvonne’s experience, feel free to comment or check out another post I have written called, “Knowing How Far Is Too Far When You Are Trying to Conceive.”
May God direct your paths as you seek Him with all of your heart. And may He bring you closer in intimacy, and unity with your husbands and with Himself during this journey.