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Barren to Beautiful

The Man Who Sleeps Beside Me

Marriage

15 Oct

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It’s early morning, when I wake and feel him next to me. I lie as still as possible, careful not to wake him. I look over through the pale blue morning light, the quiet prelude before dawn. The beeping will sound soon, and he will wake and rush with the rest of the world. But for these few quiet minutes I lay here, hearing nothing but the sound of his breath.

This man.

How did he come to me?

I remember the day I met him, I remember the way his hand greeted mine. The touch of his skin. The only skin I would ever touch or be touched by, again. I had no idea then, that we’d be lying here together, eight years later, like this.

I remember the way his fingers moved with careful fretwork up the neck of his guitar. And the way his voice soothed a part of me I never knew needed soothing.

I remember the first time he kissed me. The gentle flush in his cheeks. The steady green in his eyes, like the sea after it’s rained.

What happened to the wonder? The wonder of…

Of…him?

How did I get like…this? Love-less. And demanding. And more interested in making dinner than making…

Love?

Could I be still enough,
to take him in?
To drink deep and long of love again?

Too many words are spoken, broken, spilled. There are expectations and disappointments, and flaws and failures, and real sin, and real pain, and real…

Grace.

That word, that thing that Jesus came to show us. And poured out His blood for. So we would know what real love looks like. That it sweats, and cries, and bleeds. That it gives up self. And makes itself low.

And is gentle. And is kind.

And is not rude.

Do I see him the way God sees him?

Because: God sees him as precious.

Precious.

Fearfully and wonderfully made…by God Himself.

I have him for only such a short time. I do not even know how short. And I wasn’t chosen just to be his housemaid, or his business partner…but his wife. His bride. His friend.

To have and to…

hold. 

I look over this morning. His chestnut hair falls across his forehead. He is so still. So quiet. So handsome. It all seems so simple here…before the beeping.

But it’s a choice: Who will I rise to be today?

Today, could I bend a little lower,

speak a little softer,

wait a little longer

kiss a little slower?

To fall in love. To fall like leaves, in surrender. To fall to my knees, becoming tender.

For I am his, and he is mine. And the banner over us is Love.
P1010297

[Your turn! I am challenging you to participate in the”Fall In Love” challenge. All you have to do is to share in the comment section one thing you love about your spouse. Or, if you are blogger, you are doubly challenged to write a post endearing to your spouse and leave a link to it in the comment section.]

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29 Comments

« Don’t Waste Your Barrenness: 10 Things to Do While You Wait
5 Permissions (and Commissions) for the New Mom »

Comments

  1. Keith says

    October 15, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    One thing I love about my wife? Her hands. She doesn’t have long, elegant hands. In fact, she once described them as “peasant” hands. They’re beginning to show signs of the arthritis that she silently endures. But … those are the hands that for 34 years now have put food on my table, tended my children, nursed me (and virtually anyone else who was sick) to health. Those fingers typed into the wee hours of the mornings to put me through college. Then law school. Then seminary. Those hands have held mine when I needed consolation. They wiped away tears. Those are not the hands of a Hollywood starlet, but they are the hands of the quintessential woman of Prov. 31. Hard-working. Strong. Steady. And open. Always open.

    Reply
    • Annie Harmon says

      October 15, 2014 at 5:17 pm

      Because Mom’s the bomb <3 <3 And, her children DO call her blessed.

      Reply
      • Rebekah says

        October 16, 2014 at 12:58 pm

        Annie, Yes! Your mom is amazing. And so is your dad. 🙂 They both make me marvel sometimes.

        Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 15, 2014 at 6:05 pm

      Keith,
      By the time I finished reading your comment, tears were streaming down my face. What a beautiful testimony of who God has blessed you with. Debbie truly is a gift and an incredible woman. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing what you truly love about her (And I’m sure she would like to read it as well!;)

      Reply
  2. Shannon says

    October 15, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    In just 5 years of meeting my husband we have been through so much. His willingness to fight for his body to regain mobility again is just inspiring! After his stroke a year and a few months later he is back to playing drums, and attempting to regain his skills in the kitchen, garage and housework.

    Not ONCE did he blame God for his situation. He kept a very strong faith about him, he kept repeating that WE will get through this. I never doubted God but I am a planner. I enjoy knowing what is going to happen and when. Through this time God showed me I had to take it day by day. Through it all I wouldn’t have changed anything. The struggles, the change in our food choices, even the annoying medications that he now has to take and remember to take.

    It has been a juggling act between work, homeschool, and the other ‘Mom’ stuff we have to cram into our days. One thing is for sure. I’m SURE glad God is right here with me and our family!

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 15, 2014 at 6:09 pm

      Shannon,
      Wow, that is incredible that such tough experiences have brought you so much closer. And also that you guys kept your focus on God through those difficult seasons. Often it is the difficult things that bring us closer to each other and to God! And in retrospect, can sometimes be the sweetest seasons of all. I’m so glad that God has blessed you in this way!:)

      Reply
  3. Lisa says

    October 15, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    My amazing husband encourages me to be brave. I am a writer and for four years I’ve been talking about starting a blog. I’ve come up with a million excuses to not blog. It’s just not time for me to share my writing. I’m not good at writing yet. He listened to me talk myself out of it and kept encouraging me to keep writing. One day he called me to his office and explained to me how I could start a blog through words press. He then helped me get started. Now I post non-stop and he encourages me to take the time out to do so. When we were dating he sent me this little note. I love you and I hope your dreams come true. I still have that little not on my wall in my office. My dreams have come true. My dream has always been to be a wife and I’m so thankful for the man that God gave me to love, hold, and cherish.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 16, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      Lisa,
      What a blessing to have a man who sees the God-given gift in you and then nurtures you in a variety of ways to see that it grows. And I’m so glad that you are extending that gift of writing to others, and that you and your husband can share in that joy of walking out God’s calling together. 🙂

      Reply
  4. Rachel says

    October 16, 2014 at 2:01 am

    I have been with my husband for ten years now. While we have had our ups and downs, the one thing that I will always love about him is his drive. He is driven to make life for our daughter and me better than we could imagine. He is driven to please us however he can and he is driven to love with everything that he had and is.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 16, 2014 at 1:11 pm

      Rachel,
      I have yet to hear of the perfect marriage! We too have had some high highs and low lows. I try to remember that we are two imperfect people that have been joined together and are both in the process of being transformed into who Christ has called us to be! That is awesome you are married to a man who values you and your daughter and is willing to work long and hard to take good care of you guys and show you his love! Praise God for that. 🙂

      Reply
  5. kerihanson says

    October 16, 2014 at 2:22 am

    This is so beautiful. And so necessary right now. New motherhood has made me tired. Critical. Frustrated. With him. And my handsome husband has such a good heart, a heart I fell in love with. I need to focus on that more. And offer grace.

    Thank you!

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 16, 2014 at 1:20 pm

      Keri,
      I love your comment because I feel you have captured the very essence of this. It is so easy to throw tenderness out the window when there are a hundred other things to accomplish/or a little person screaming at you. But, although in some ways, it can seem like “the honeymoon is over”..I’m realizing that tenderness and grace aren’t a “honeymoon” mentality, they are what God has called us to, no matter how old we get together! Thanks for your words and honesty. And may you enjoy the man God has placed before you, more and more. 🙂

      Reply
  6. Marla says

    October 16, 2014 at 4:13 am

    I definitely resonate with what you have said, Rebekah. It is amazing how “keeping the love alive” is a lifetime pursuit.

    What I love about my spouse and my marriage? First, it is such a comfort to know that in my church we believe my husband and I, as well as our children are sealed together forever. Even after we die, our relationships will continue. This is such a comfort. Then my husband, I am so grateful for His ability to reign me in and remind me what matters most. He grounds me in the best of ways. He is the calm to my storm, the sunshine to my storm clouds. And one of my other favorites? He is absolutely, amazing at extending forgiveness. Which is such a relief and blessing to me as he has seen me at my worst so much. Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to ponder about my sweet husband. 🙂

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 17, 2014 at 1:18 am

      Marla,
      Thanks for sharing! To have a husband who extends forgiveness is such a blessing. Forgiveness I think is one of the most powerful things in marriage! I am not sure what our relationships will be like in heaven, but I do know that whatever God has planned will be better than anything I ever could have imagined here on earth. And as long as I’m here on earth I want to love my husband in a way that honors and exalts Christ. It is amazing that just a little time to reflect on our husbands, helps us to love and appreciate them more, and really see the gift that they are. 🙂

      Reply
  7. Cindy says

    October 16, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    We were in college during our dating years. I remember John’s great patience as he coached me through my upper level math classes. I was so frustrated and whiny and ornery when I didn’t understand. For thirty-one + years I have appreciated his great patience. I’m not studying math anymore, but sometimes life hands me frustrating challenges and sometimes (not too often, I hope) I’m still whiny and ornery. And we have children…..who are studying math, and physics and get frustrated by normal life challenges. And I still appreciate his patience and his example and his love.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 17, 2014 at 1:22 am

      Cindy,
      Loved hearing your response! (I too am married to a math guy!) What a gift to have someone who is patient, not only for math but, like you said, all of life’s challenges. And truly, as 1 Corinthians 13 says, “Love is patient.” 🙂

      Reply
  8. godzgood says

    October 16, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    http://godzgood.wordpress.com/2014/10/16/fall-in-love/

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 17, 2014 at 1:00 am

      Sarah,
      I have truly enjoyed the post “Fall In Love” you’ve written on your blog! It was so tender toward your husband, glorifying to the Lord, and beautifully written. I also loved the parallels to this season, and what God is doing in our hearts to strip and transform us. Thank you for taking the challenge and enjoying your man. 🙂 Loved it!

      Reply
  9. Sasha says

    October 19, 2014 at 3:05 am

    Rebekah, what a bride your husband truly has! You are such a sweet soul and I can only imagine the years of beauty you two will share together. I loved the way you spent those moments to simply stare. To remember the good things about the him, the positive.

    I am definitely inspired and will try to participate in the “Fall in Love” challenge soon!

    Reply
  10. ashley says

    November 10, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Hmmm. This is what I needed to hear today. After 10 years of marriage, about 7 of which we have struggled with infertility, it is easy to forget the breathless moments of anticipation that brought me here. The moments counted down waiting to be in his presence. The feeling of such utter peace, knowing he was mine and that God made me for him and gave him to me. If I could simply see through the tediously mundane moments of this life that we often trudge through, I would see that he is still handsome…even more than when we married..for men age like wine growing better with time. I would see that he is still kind, with the hands of a warrior and the heart of a child. He is still selfless, thinking of me and sacrificing so often. How shameful that I should ever forget that I once ONLY longed to be right where I am right now.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      November 11, 2014 at 12:48 am

      Ashley,
      I love your response to this. It is exactly the type of response I hoped for as I wrote this. It is so easy to lose sight of the gift our husband’s truly are. So many other things, and voices, and demands, and expectations crowd out the sweet, and simple love we had at first. And yet, the love is better now, because we know each other more. And I think Timothy Keller said, “To be fully known, and fully loved…is something of God.” May God give us the grace as we know one another more and more fully, to love one another more and more fully. Sometimes I just need to step back and really realize how precious of a gift my husband is to me. I’m so thankful you could do this. And may God empower you to love him when it’s easy and when it’s not, and all the times in between. Blessings to you and your man! And thank you so much for sharing! 🙂
      Rebekah

      Reply
  11. The Champa Tree says

    December 5, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    I so am so inspired to have not one but a series of posts on ‘found love’, ‘love lost’ and ‘hopefully love reclaimed’. Haha. Shortly!

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      December 13, 2014 at 3:42 am

      I am so glad you have been inspired! I say go for it! Write those posts! It’s amazing how writing (especially affectionately) about others truly does a work in our own hearts! 🙂

      Reply
  12. The Champa Tree says

    December 6, 2014 at 11:52 am

    http://thechampatree.in/2014/12/06/where-is-my-champagne/

    Reply
  13. mrsmariposa2014 says

    December 8, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    Oh, wow! I missed this one! A thousand thoughts flood my brain. We have only been together three years, three years that went like a breath, yet three long years of climbing mountains I too often have contemplated with a derisive, “You’ve gotta be kidding me!”. I reflect on this challenge and find I could’ve been far more supportive of this fine, strong, beautiful man of God I have been blessed with. For he took one look at me and my insecure, often-wounded heart, my utterly wonderful but completely exhausting life raising special needs children, and said resoundingly,, “Yes! I love you! Yes! I love your kids! Yes! I want to spend the rest of my life with all of you!” He saw it all and didn’t run screaming. He saw it all and jumped in with complete determination to help shoulder my burdens. He saw it all and then some. Because, he saw in me what I struggle so often to see in myself. He saw my worth not from the context of worldly perspective but, rather, with God’s eyes, and still today is patiently working on getting me to see it, too. Such a wonderful gift alone ought always to keep my heart bubbling with gratitude, but, oh, how often life crowds in and causes those mommy moments of grouchy forgetfulness! Thanks for your heart. It always seems to speak directly to my experience.

    Reply
  14. mrsmariposa2014 says

    December 10, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    A little late to the party, but this one just left me itching to share more on my blog.
    http://mrsmariposa2014.wordpress.com/2014/12/10/look-what-the-wind-blew-in/

    Reply
  15. purvi kothari says

    July 6, 2020 at 4:06 am

    Wooh truely a single person who was a destiny by god make so much important in life that we cant live without him, My husband is the one who take care of our need, happiness make every step to feel secure. this writeup of your make me love me much more now

    Reply
  16. Renna Yadav says

    September 28, 2021 at 12:02 pm

    In just 5 years of meeting my husband we have been through so much. His willingness to fight for his body to regain mobility again is just inspiring! After his stroke a year and a few months later he is back to playing drums, and attempting to regain his skills in the kitchen, garage and housework.

    Not ONCE did he blame God for his situation. He kept a very strong faith about him, he kept repeating that WE will get through this. I never doubted God but I am a planner. I enjoy knowing what is going to happen and when. Through this time God showed me I had to take it day by day. Through it all I wouldn’t have changed anything. The struggles, the change in our food choices, even the annoying medications that he now has to take and remember to take.

    It has been a juggling act between work, homeschool, and the other ‘Mom’ stuff we have to cram into our days. One thing is for sure. I’m SURE glad God is right here with me and our family!

    Reply

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Hi, I’m Rebekah Fox.

I was once a barren woman. I had a barren womb, and a very barren soul. But God saw me in my barrenness--and He delivered me. Not only of a barren womb, but a barren soul, too. He opened my eyes to His beauty all around me. And every day, I need Him to do it again, in my heart, and in my spirit. To take me from Barren to Beautiful. Because I am weak, and broken, and sinful, but He--He is beautiful. If the Spirit has led you here, perhaps He wants to take your barrenness away--and birth something more beautiful than you ever imagined.

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Rebekah Fox

barrentobeautiful

I help women struggling with infertility to hope in Christ and allow Him to transform them from barren to beautiful—on the inside. 🌸

You’re invited 🌿 The past 3 summers I’ve i You’re invited 🌿

The past 3 summers I’ve invited my readers and friends to join me in a social media fast—

and it has been extremely restorative and fruitful. 

I want to invite you to join me for this, because I have experienced how freeing this has been. It begins on June 1, but you could join whenever you are reading this.:)

There are two choices:
The Sprint—fasting June 1-July 1 🏃🏻‍♀️ 

The Marathon—fasting June 1-September 1 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

The thing is, while I love following so many of your beautiful profiles (especially those of you who write for the glory of God) the truth is, you’re not the reason I’m going. It’s everything else.

I’ve found that my soul needs breaks from scrolling, from information, from watching, and from the many voices and opinions, and the idolatry that I’m so prone to adore and replicate.

Summer has become for me, a beautiful growing time. A quiet time, and a hidden time. 

If you choose to do one of these fasts—you will miss out. You will miss out on the happenings in the Christian world, you will miss out on being seen, you will miss out on the latest controversy, and the latest debate. 

But what you will gain, is so much more. 

For you will discover the forgotten beauty of the secret place.🌿

This summer, let your greatest ambition to be this: to know Him.

Nothing could be more freeing.
Nothing could be more fruitful.

Abide in him, and he will abide in you. He is the vine, and you are the branches and apart from him, we can do nothing. 

It’s a practical move this fast. It feels like pruning shears. But he only prunes, to make us more fruitful. 

This is my last night here for a while. 

I just felt prompted to invite you on this adventure, too.🌿
I won’t see you, but God will see you. And that’s all that really matters.

The link in my bio will explain everything about how the fast works.

If you do need to get in touch, you can email me at barrentobeautifulblog@gmail.com

Happy summer!🌿

Photo cred: My daughter when we visited the @wildandfree.co Forest Cabin 2 summers ago 🌿
Early on in my writing for #ttc women, I realized Early on in my writing for #ttc women, I realized my blog posts were not enough. These grieving women needed more than a blog post, or a Facebook comment. The women with empty wombs and longing hearts—needed something to hold in their hands. 
Hope. 
They needed the hope of Christ.

I’m delighted to say my dear friends @jennmhesse and @kelramsey at @waiting.in.hope Infertility Ministry have brought this hope to bear in their new book, “Waiting in Hope.”

This is the book I would have read from the bathroom floor on the nights I wept for a baby and God felt so silent and far away. This was the book I wished I had walking the lonely journey of infertility—too ashamed to ask for help, or even prayer. 

If you are a woman #ttc let this book be the gift you buy yourself for this Mother’s Day. 

Like two, gentle loving sisters who have walked this path, Jen and Kelly will lead you to wait in Hope—for the One who himself is Hope.

He sees you. He hears you. 
And you are not alone. 
Not anymore. 

There is a beautiful community of women, full of faith, compassion, and hope that long to come around you at @waiting.in.hope . 

But you can start here, by reading these 31 reflections for walking with God through infertility. You will be so glad you did. I promise.

**a few notes about these pictures.
I wanted this book with my tulips because I have to wait so long through the winter for them to grow. They are to me, the symbol of hope each spring.🌷

Second, to get the book to lay flat, in pic #5 I had to open my hand. And it reminded me, of how infertility was a season of unclenching my fists, and opening my hands in faith and surrender and worship. Open hands are also the only posture for receiving. And I pray this book opens yours.

May this book bless you and infuse you with real, living, tangible hope. Which is, the hope of Jesus. 🌿

Purchase at 
@waiting.in.hope and follow this amazing community of support! #ttc #infertility #infertilityawareness #hope
Ah, the words I most needed to hear this morning—once again—come from God’s Word through the prophet Isaiah! A woe to those who are tempted to trust in FLESH and not SPIRIT. (That’s me!) And a call to return to the Lord, the Holy One of Israel. For he, too, is “wise and brings disaster.” 

I love what Alec Motyer writes in his commentary—which has counseled my heart so many mornings, but especially this one:
“The Lord never merely reacts to events as if sprung on him. He has prepared all beforehand is totally master of the situation.”

I encourage you to read Isaiah 31, and see Motyer’s notes here. See if your heart does tremble at the Holy One of Israel. See with what piercing accuracy the word of God penetrates your heart. 

And his final note—the blood of the lamb did not seem like enough for the Angel of death to pass over—but it was. His ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

Whatever God says, is true, and right. He alone is God—He is totally master of the situation. More than we could ever know or understand. He is worthy of all trust, all praise, all worship. I remind you, as I remind myself:
Do not rely on the flesh, for what only the Spirit of God can do. 💛
💛 💛
“I invited you, but you did not come.” It see “I invited you, but you did not come.”

It seems like a love letter, sometimes, this book, raw, aching words—though they come from God. What we see here is an invitation and a reproof. I imagine it almost like getting a beautiful wedding invitation, saying “this is what we could have had,” but then at the bottom are the painful words, “…but you were unwilling.” 

You refused to trust me, you refused to come after me, and you frantically panicked and went after other gods—who cannot save you. 

I don’t mean to add anything that’s not there, just pondering this one line out of the whole chapter 30 of Isaiah. I’ve wanted to write this verse at the end of cards and letters, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength…” and just end it there. Except I cannot edit out the very heart of God to fit my nice letter of comfort. The reproof is attached, “But you were unwilling.” These words pierce my heart. 

And I only share them to marvel at the heart of God. To allow His words to be wielded, to let them pierce our hearts. Nothing is sharper than the word of God. And it is good to ponder His word—even when it brings a sorrow, it is a godly sorrow that leads to repentance. It stings sometimes, but we must read the whole counsel of God. We must not gut it of the difficult parts. For in it, God’s heart is exposed to us—and it’s a heart so loving as we’ve never seen in anyone on earth. (Except, in the person of Jesus Christ!) 

Shortly after this, the Lord calls his people back, so tenderly it brings me to tears. What kind of love is this? What kind of God is this? Surely one who is worthy of our whole hearts, and whole lives, and ALL of our trust. 

Let us stay close to His Word, that we may know his heart. Nothing is more piercing or precise for today. He knew what He was doing when He breathed out these living words. We need them. They are life to us—for they lead to HIM. That we may know HIM as He is, and not merely as we think Him to be. 🧡 He is more wonderful than I ever thought, and still far greater than I know. I cannot probe the depths of His heart, and yet, through His word and Spirit, He probes the depths of mine.
Oh, listen to what God says in Isaiah 51:5-6! 
💛 

Lift up your eyes…

“…but my salvation will be forever, 
and my righteousness will never be dismayed.”
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