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Barren to Beautiful

When You Want To Give Your Child A Sibling, But You Can’t

Motherhood· Trying To Conceive· TTC

30 Sep

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selahonstreet

I heard her crying upstairs in her bed, and went up to check up on her.

“What’s wrong, honey?” I asked.

I thought she was going to say she had a bad dream.

Or that she needed a night-light on.

Or she had to go potty.

But what she said next, nearly took my breath away…

“I want a sister,” she said.

My heart felt a deep piercing.

“What?” I asked, making sure I heard her right.

“I want,” she said through sobs, “a sister,” she said.

My heart burned. I sat down on her bed and pulled her close to my chest. “Oh, honey,” I tried to comfort her cries. But now tears filled my eyes, too. Tears from this deep hidden place inside me, that I kept trying to bury down. But that night, they came.

We sat in the dark of her room, holding each other, and I watched December snow fall outside her window. And I wondered what she had seen in her dreams.

That made her wake like this.

We never talked about siblings. Though I guess she was old enough to notice, all her cousins had brothers, or sisters. And I didn’t know what to say.

It was a beautiful desire—that suddenly felt too real, and too sacred to dismiss with a simple drink of water and pat on the head.

My husband and I had already been trying for two years…to have another baby. To give her a sibling.

And we couldn’t.

But as I held her and felt her little heart beating against me, these words just came out:

“I can’t give you a sister,” I said, “But you can ask God.”

You can ask God.

I didn’t know what He would do. Or how He would answer. But under the glow of green stars shining on the ceiling from her pillow pet, she asked Him. For a sister.

Or a brother.

With more faith in her young, little heart, than I had mine.

She asked Him. So simply. And put it in His hands.

The only hands,

that can form life.

***

Sometimes you want to give your child a sibling…

But you can’t. 

Since my daughter was born, I have heard so many moms say that the “perfect” age gap between kids is “two years.” (That way they’ll grow up to be best friends, and you’ll get through the diaper stage all at once, and they won’t be spoiled, etc.)

But sometimes you can’t make “perfect” happen. Even though you want to. Even though you want to give this wonderful gift to your child.

And you can feel anxious as you “try,” because every day you are getting older. And your child is getting older. And that gap between your child and any future sibling is getting wider and wider.

People ask you, “Do you want more kids?”

Or, “When are you gonna have another one?”

And you are left fumbling for words.

Because how do you express in a sentence (and often to a stranger) that you don’t get to choose how many kids you have? Or the time in which you will have them? And that when you have a baby…it’s because, and only because, God has done an incredible, unexplainable miracle in you?

I don’t really know what you can do about it.

But…

You can ask God.

Because He will answer you. 

In His time. And in His way.

***

Just four months after Selah prayed for a sibling in her room last December–God did yet another miracle in me. Even though I was faithless; He proved Himself faithful.  And as surely as I write this, I feel the kicks of a baby boy inside me, who I had no idea was coming to us all along. This December.

And I’m in awe of a God who gives life. In His own perfect time. And His own perfect way.

To an outsider, it may not look “perfect.” Selah and her sibling won’t have a perfect 2-year age gap. They’ll be four years apart.

And Selah’s not getting a sister, she’s getting a brother.

It’s not the tidy advice I read in the baby magazines…

But somehow…it’s still perfect.

Perfect for one reason only: it’s God’s plan for us.

***

Dear One, trying to conceive another child…

Who decides what is “perfect?”

Who decides how old you should be when you have a baby? Or adopt a baby? Or foster a baby?

Who decides, how many months or years they are apart? Or what genders they should be?

Who decides if you will have one, or two, or more?

Is it not God?

Is it not the Maker and Giver of all life?

The Holy One…who is perfect in all of His ways?

“As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” Psalm 18:30

His way is perfect.

***

I just want to say that while I was missing all the deadlines for “perfectly” spaced children…while I was failing to conceive…and while my body wasn’t doing what it was “supposed” to…

Something beautiful was happening.

With this beautiful gift we named “Selah.”

God was giving me time with her.

And time is a very precious thing, when you get to spend it with a long-awaited miracle.

I was given time–to spend holding her on my chest, and breathing in her scent, and slow dancing in the moonlight to lullabies. I was given time to build forts, and bake cookies, and fall asleep with her for her nap.

And these were some of the best years of my life.

And I say this with tears…

I would not trade them for anything.

And perhaps “secondary infertility” wasn’t a curse, but was instead a wonderful blessing?

***

I don’t know what God has planned for you and your family. I don’t know if He will give you more babies, or not. I don’t know if they will be 18 months apart…or 18 years apart. Or if they will come through your womb, or through adoption, or foster care.

But one thing you can be sure of, whatever it is…

It will be perfect.

It may not feel perfect at the time. It may not look perfect to anyone around you.

But I assure you: it will be perfect.

Not because it’s your way. Or anyone else’s way.

But because it’s God’s way. 

And His way is perfect. 

“As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” Psalm 18:30


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Facebook Comments

20 Comments

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Comments

  1. Amelia says

    September 30, 2016 at 1:04 am

    Man did my heart need this…my daughter just asked me that question today.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      September 30, 2016 at 2:18 pm

      Amelia, I am so glad God could encourage you through this. May HIS perfect will be done in your life. Much love! Rebekah

      Reply
  2. JR says

    September 30, 2016 at 3:06 am

    I can’t love this enough. God knows the struggle in my heart. I cried when I read the title! my little one asks me as she notices others with siblings . His way is perfect shall ever be on my lips when I doubt His plan. Thank you for writing this today! May He bless you and the new one on the way!

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      September 30, 2016 at 2:21 pm

      Thank you JR! I know that flood of emotions and all that comes with it. But yes, may His perfect will be done. Much love to you and your little one! And cherish your time together <3 🙂

      Reply
  3. Stephanie says

    September 30, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    I discovered your blog yesterday morning and wept over so many of you barrenness posts. And then last night my miracle happened. I’m just speechless and without words. My son will be 5 next month and we are just shy of 3 years of trying for another. He’s asked for a baby brother so many times, and this post just made me cry all over again. I feel like you are me, and writing my story! I’m so glad to have found your blog.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      September 30, 2016 at 2:16 pm

      Oh Stephanie, Praise God! That is wonderful! So excited for what He has done, and what He is doing in and through you!! Thank you for sharing! <3

      Reply
  4. Amber says

    October 1, 2016 at 1:47 am

    This is my struggle. I miscarried 2 years ago. My daughter & her sibling would have been almost exactly 4 years apart. I get tired of the question, “Are you going to have more?” Do I get to choose? I’ve been pregnant 3 times, and am incredibly blessed by one amazing 5 1/2 year old. I am learning to be content with what I have…with what my family looks like, even though it is different than anything I had planned.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 1, 2016 at 2:18 am

      Amber,
      Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to go through what you did. However, I am glad God is giving you peace and helping you to be content in what He has given you in your daughter. I know it can be so hard when you keep getting those questions. May God continually comfort you and give you peace. Much love Amber. <3

      Reply
  5. Moonlily says

    October 1, 2016 at 2:14 am

    Thank you so much for writing this. I am still waiting for my second; my first is 3, and it took me 2 years to conceive him. I’ve lost 3 babies so far in the process.

    I was that oldest child that didn’t have siblings for awhile. It took my mom almost 7 years to have my sister, and then I got another sister and brother 2 and 4 years later. And you’re right; God’s plan was perfect. Having such younger siblings kept me “younger” and innocent (I was still playing with dolls at 16), and made me very nurturing and experienced with young children. It shaped me into who I believe God meant me to be. I am a child at heart and have cared for children and those with special needs my whole life.

    I wanted to share this perspective because a lot of times we think of wanting more children in terms of God’s will for OUR lives and forget that God is using number and spacing of children to shape our children’s personality and future as well.

    Congratulations on your second child and I pray you have a healthy pregnancy! I ask for your prayers as I wait for my second–if God has that in store for me.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 1, 2016 at 2:24 am

      Wow, what an amazing perspective you offer! I love how you said it’s not just about God’s will for OUR lives but ALL the other things and people affected, even in the future. What a sweet relationship you have with your younger siblings. May God fully satisfy your heart as you wait on Him. Much love, Rebekah

      Reply
  6. Michelle says

    October 3, 2016 at 1:24 am

    You write so beautifully. Your posts always bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your story!

    Reply
  7. kristalanae says

    October 4, 2016 at 2:01 am

    Rebekah,

    I appreciate the raw vulnerability of your posts.

    I’ve been learning how to implement a method to know when I’m most fertile and I was wondering if you knew about it- it’s called FAM (fertility awareness method). Recently a friend told me about it and I was amazed that no one had mentioned it before. In our case we’re newly married and would like to wait a little while until we have children, but it is definitely applicable to those wanting to become pregnant.

    Reply
  8. Lauren says

    October 5, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    I stumbled upon this article today and WOW it was as if God himself was speaking to me. Thank you. You have given me comfort and strength during a very painful and faithless time. God bless you and your precious family.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      October 6, 2016 at 12:32 am

      You are SO welcome Lauren! I’m so glad God is speaking to your through it. May He continue to encourage your heart and give hope to your spirit! Much love, Rebekah

      Reply
  9. Stefanie says

    February 12, 2017 at 11:36 pm

    Thanks for sharing your story. Just this weekend, my nearly 4 year old son said “Maybe someday we’ll have 2 kids in our family.” Without going into any of the details of our 2.5 year struggle to have a second, I told him simply that I’m not sure if that will happen, and asked how he would feel about just having 1 (i.e. him). His response: “hm, nah. I think we should have 2!” I told him it was really up to God and if it was important to him, he should pray about it. Well, the next day, he did just that, without any prompting. My brother is the result of my prayers, so who knows, maybe God will shape my son’s faith in a similar way. Either way, we trust that God has a plan for our family, and know that plan is good.

    Reply
    • Rebekah says

      February 17, 2017 at 3:51 pm

      Thank you Stefanie. You are right, God has a wonderful, and beautiful plan for you and your family. Love <3, Rebekah

      Reply
  10. Sarah says

    October 17, 2017 at 5:27 am

    Incredible testimony! When I look back now the 1:1 time I had with my son was very precious. We waited 4.5 years before he had a sister. Although I had that continuous longing for another baby it was a time of huge spiritual growth for me and very precious 1:1 time with my son. All in God’s timing even thought it is not always what we want at the time he knows best. Now he does more than I can ask or even imagine as expecting my 3rd baby and will get the 2 year age gap between 2 & 3 ? love reading encouraging testimonies so thank you for sharing xxxi

    Reply
  11. Sarah says

    February 9, 2018 at 3:09 am

    I just love your stories about how God gave you your two miracles! Praise God for his ways are higher than our ways! Thank you for the faith of our little ones!
    Just gorgeous!
    We have struggled to conceive, we have been trying for 6 years now but standing on Gods promise that he will give us twins ? We have had one round of IVF but it failed. I have raised prolactin levels which I am under a specialist for which could be the problem.
    Been a difficult journey but also full of faith, making my husband & I closer too.We have great support from family and friends. Like with your story…. maybe God is still making them ❤️And HIS timing is perfect ?

    Reply

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Hi, I’m Rebekah Fox.

I was once a barren woman. I had a barren womb, and a very barren soul. But God saw me in my barrenness--and He delivered me. Not only of a barren womb, but a barren soul, too. He opened my eyes to His beauty all around me. And every day, I need Him to do it again, in my heart, and in my spirit. To take me from Barren to Beautiful. Because I am weak, and broken, and sinful, but He--He is beautiful. If the Spirit has led you here, perhaps He wants to take your barrenness away--and birth something more beautiful than you ever imagined.

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Rebekah Fox

barrentobeautiful

I help women struggling with infertility to hope in Christ and allow Him to transform them from barren to beautiful—on the inside. 🌸

You’re invited 🌿 The past 3 summers I’ve i You’re invited 🌿

The past 3 summers I’ve invited my readers and friends to join me in a social media fast—

and it has been extremely restorative and fruitful. 

I want to invite you to join me for this, because I have experienced how freeing this has been. It begins on June 1, but you could join whenever you are reading this.:)

There are two choices:
The Sprint—fasting June 1-July 1 🏃🏻‍♀️ 

The Marathon—fasting June 1-September 1 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

The thing is, while I love following so many of your beautiful profiles (especially those of you who write for the glory of God) the truth is, you’re not the reason I’m going. It’s everything else.

I’ve found that my soul needs breaks from scrolling, from information, from watching, and from the many voices and opinions, and the idolatry that I’m so prone to adore and replicate.

Summer has become for me, a beautiful growing time. A quiet time, and a hidden time. 

If you choose to do one of these fasts—you will miss out. You will miss out on the happenings in the Christian world, you will miss out on being seen, you will miss out on the latest controversy, and the latest debate. 

But what you will gain, is so much more. 

For you will discover the forgotten beauty of the secret place.🌿

This summer, let your greatest ambition to be this: to know Him.

Nothing could be more freeing.
Nothing could be more fruitful.

Abide in him, and he will abide in you. He is the vine, and you are the branches and apart from him, we can do nothing. 

It’s a practical move this fast. It feels like pruning shears. But he only prunes, to make us more fruitful. 

This is my last night here for a while. 

I just felt prompted to invite you on this adventure, too.🌿
I won’t see you, but God will see you. And that’s all that really matters.

The link in my bio will explain everything about how the fast works.

If you do need to get in touch, you can email me at barrentobeautifulblog@gmail.com

Happy summer!🌿

Photo cred: My daughter when we visited the @wildandfree.co Forest Cabin 2 summers ago 🌿
Early on in my writing for #ttc women, I realized Early on in my writing for #ttc women, I realized my blog posts were not enough. These grieving women needed more than a blog post, or a Facebook comment. The women with empty wombs and longing hearts—needed something to hold in their hands. 
Hope. 
They needed the hope of Christ.

I’m delighted to say my dear friends @jennmhesse and @kelramsey at @waiting.in.hope Infertility Ministry have brought this hope to bear in their new book, “Waiting in Hope.”

This is the book I would have read from the bathroom floor on the nights I wept for a baby and God felt so silent and far away. This was the book I wished I had walking the lonely journey of infertility—too ashamed to ask for help, or even prayer. 

If you are a woman #ttc let this book be the gift you buy yourself for this Mother’s Day. 

Like two, gentle loving sisters who have walked this path, Jen and Kelly will lead you to wait in Hope—for the One who himself is Hope.

He sees you. He hears you. 
And you are not alone. 
Not anymore. 

There is a beautiful community of women, full of faith, compassion, and hope that long to come around you at @waiting.in.hope . 

But you can start here, by reading these 31 reflections for walking with God through infertility. You will be so glad you did. I promise.

**a few notes about these pictures.
I wanted this book with my tulips because I have to wait so long through the winter for them to grow. They are to me, the symbol of hope each spring.🌷

Second, to get the book to lay flat, in pic #5 I had to open my hand. And it reminded me, of how infertility was a season of unclenching my fists, and opening my hands in faith and surrender and worship. Open hands are also the only posture for receiving. And I pray this book opens yours.

May this book bless you and infuse you with real, living, tangible hope. Which is, the hope of Jesus. 🌿

Purchase at 
@waiting.in.hope and follow this amazing community of support! #ttc #infertility #infertilityawareness #hope
Ah, the words I most needed to hear this morning—once again—come from God’s Word through the prophet Isaiah! A woe to those who are tempted to trust in FLESH and not SPIRIT. (That’s me!) And a call to return to the Lord, the Holy One of Israel. For he, too, is “wise and brings disaster.” 

I love what Alec Motyer writes in his commentary—which has counseled my heart so many mornings, but especially this one:
“The Lord never merely reacts to events as if sprung on him. He has prepared all beforehand is totally master of the situation.”

I encourage you to read Isaiah 31, and see Motyer’s notes here. See if your heart does tremble at the Holy One of Israel. See with what piercing accuracy the word of God penetrates your heart. 

And his final note—the blood of the lamb did not seem like enough for the Angel of death to pass over—but it was. His ways are higher than our ways, his thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

Whatever God says, is true, and right. He alone is God—He is totally master of the situation. More than we could ever know or understand. He is worthy of all trust, all praise, all worship. I remind you, as I remind myself:
Do not rely on the flesh, for what only the Spirit of God can do. 💛
💛 💛
“I invited you, but you did not come.” It see “I invited you, but you did not come.”

It seems like a love letter, sometimes, this book, raw, aching words—though they come from God. What we see here is an invitation and a reproof. I imagine it almost like getting a beautiful wedding invitation, saying “this is what we could have had,” but then at the bottom are the painful words, “…but you were unwilling.” 

You refused to trust me, you refused to come after me, and you frantically panicked and went after other gods—who cannot save you. 

I don’t mean to add anything that’s not there, just pondering this one line out of the whole chapter 30 of Isaiah. I’ve wanted to write this verse at the end of cards and letters, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength…” and just end it there. Except I cannot edit out the very heart of God to fit my nice letter of comfort. The reproof is attached, “But you were unwilling.” These words pierce my heart. 

And I only share them to marvel at the heart of God. To allow His words to be wielded, to let them pierce our hearts. Nothing is sharper than the word of God. And it is good to ponder His word—even when it brings a sorrow, it is a godly sorrow that leads to repentance. It stings sometimes, but we must read the whole counsel of God. We must not gut it of the difficult parts. For in it, God’s heart is exposed to us—and it’s a heart so loving as we’ve never seen in anyone on earth. (Except, in the person of Jesus Christ!) 

Shortly after this, the Lord calls his people back, so tenderly it brings me to tears. What kind of love is this? What kind of God is this? Surely one who is worthy of our whole hearts, and whole lives, and ALL of our trust. 

Let us stay close to His Word, that we may know his heart. Nothing is more piercing or precise for today. He knew what He was doing when He breathed out these living words. We need them. They are life to us—for they lead to HIM. That we may know HIM as He is, and not merely as we think Him to be. 🧡 He is more wonderful than I ever thought, and still far greater than I know. I cannot probe the depths of His heart, and yet, through His word and Spirit, He probes the depths of mine.
Oh, listen to what God says in Isaiah 51:5-6! 
💛 

Lift up your eyes…

“…but my salvation will be forever, 
and my righteousness will never be dismayed.”
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