When All I Wanted For Christmas Was You

photo-1461092678334-1aa3ab3543ce
This Christmas season my almost-4-year-old daughter will “help” decorate: She will yank on the Christmas lights, and break ornaments, and stick her fingers in the cookie dough.

But it hasn’t always been this way. There were many quieter Christmases at our house.

I remember just a few years ago, my husband and I were putting up the tree. And as I pulled out lights and ornaments from the red and green storage bins—I found our stockings.

I guess it’s just instinct to reach my hand inside. Maybe a stray Snickers bar? Some leftover Christmas candy? I immediately felt something in mine.

But what I pulled out of my stocking was not candy.

It was a another little stocking.

Almost like a…baby stocking.

I’m not sure where it came from or how it got in there. But as I held the tiny stocking in my hand, a pang of sorrow filled my heart. I couldn’t help but think of the little baby I had desired for so long. As I touched the fabric gently in my fingers, warm tears rolled down my cheeks and the Christmas lights blurred around me.

I longed for the little one I could one day hang this stocking for. The patter of little feet. And the sound of laughter.

I held the tiny stocking up to  my husband, and tried to force a smile, with tears coming down my cheeks. He came and sat down on the couch next to me and pulled me into his chest, holding me in his arms. More tears came then.
“I just thought,” I said, as tears streaked slowly down my face, “We would have a baby by now.”

“I know,” he whispered and stroked my hair with his fingers. “I know.”

It seemed like forever then, the waiting. The not knowing. The trusting. The wondering if God would answer. And when.

Tonight, that little stocking hangs on our mantle. For two years it’s hung. And the one for whom it hangs sits with me here on the couch and lays her sleepy head on my lap. And as I slowly stroke her blonde hair with my fingers, hot tears run again. And Christmas lights blur. Selah.

My Precious Selah,
Our nights aren’t silent any more. They are loud with screams, and cries, and laughter. But when you go to sleep, and me and Daddy are left alone, sometimes I sit and remember the time before you. And I grow silent once more, in awe and reverence…because of what God has done. And I think about the way He came close to me during the years of silent nights, and my silent cries for you. When your name was but a whispered prayer. A dream in the night.
Selah.

You were worth every minute I waited for you.

21 thoughts on “When All I Wanted For Christmas Was You

    • Rachel,
      Sorry for the late response, but I did want to say thank you. You are right, about the gratefulness. When I forget what the Lord has taken me through, I don’t realize how incredible the blessings are right in front of me. It’s sometimes easy to forget, but it is so rewarding to remember. It really is amazing what gratitude can do. I’ve really enjoyed the One Thousand Gifts book by Voskamp. And I also really liked your last post on gratitude. Not just thanking God for the good (like when I had my daughter), but also for the difficult (the barreness.) Because during the difficulty I was brought so much closer to The Lord, and as painful as some of those moments were–they were also some of the most memorable and intimate moments I’ve ever had with Him. I really enjoy your perspective–thanks for writing. 🙂

    • Sorry for the late response, but thank you for your comment! I’m sorry your friend has had such a long road of waiting. At the same time, I know during the barrenness I grew closer to God and became much more vulnerable and honest with Him than ever before. I hope your friend finds the beauty of God through the barren soul.;)

    • Sorry for my late response. But I want you to know I truly appreciated your comment. It is hard to write so vulnerably…but at the same time, I don’t really know any other way. It’s nice to have readers like you who are gentle and allow me the safety to write posts like this one.
      Blessings,
      Rebekah

  1. This my blog friend is incredibly beautiful. I can relate so very well. I know what you mean and tears fill my very eyes right now. My son today is refusing to school work and he is being quit the stinker. He even screamed at me today saying all kinds of kid mean things. The amazing thing about being his mommy is, even though he acts like this, it still think he is the cutest boy ever. Thanks for your post – I am having a hard mommy day, but your words help me remember how painfully long I ached for a child. thank you

    • Lisa,
      I do apologize for having taken so long to respond to your sweet comment. I am thankful that you could also know the pain of waiting, and the sweetness that follows. It’s sometimes easy to forget what that was like. But then in these quiet moments, it all comes flooding back, and gives us the vision and joy for what the Lord has done. I really appreciate you sharing your perspective, even on the hard days. 🙂

    • Rochelle,
      I am sorry it’s take me this long, but I want you to know, that I deeply appreciate you sharing that you remember the silence as well. May your house be blessed with joyful noise this Christmas! 🙂

    • Kim,
      Thank you so much! My hands still tremble a little when I go to hang up her stocking, just remembering what life was like without her. It truly is a blessing I could never deserve! 🙂

  2. Ah. There it is. A humble reminder as I sit and dwell on the seeming lack of Christmas cheer in my house. You see, this will not be a year of material abundance. There is a lot more of the wrong sort of bills than the right this December. I worry about my kiddos feeling left out, poor, slighted because there will be so little to unwrap. I sit here and feel mopey and inadequate as mom,wife,christian. Amazing how quickly we forget how rich we really are. Thank you. PS. You have inspired me to revamp my old blog. I am nowhere on your level, but thank you regardless for spurring me on.

    • Keri,
      Sorry it’s been so long since you actually left this comment, but I wanted to say, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read it. He certainly answered those cries more sweetly than I ever imagined. 🙂

  3. Had to come and reread and get another dose of smiles all over again. God has been flooding me anew with the evidence He always sees and always knows. His providence is so very real and so on time. God bless.

  4. Pingback: Her Christmas Wish Through Infertility | Mom Life Now

Leave a Reply