We’ve immediately been given “more time.”
And with it more pressure, to produce. To make it “productive.”
But, the problem is.
I don’t want to write. I don’t want to say anything.
Because I don’t have anything to say.
I’m just trying to catch my own breath. I’m just trying to undo the knots in my own stomach.
I’m trying to smooth out the knots in my back.
At night, I lay in bed, and try to smooth the knots out of my shoulders.
And my husband’s.
I try to smooth the knots out of my mind.
I was already homeschooling before this happened, it’s not a change, right?
But everything feels different.
Like someone died. Like many “somenone’s” died.
Because, they did.
It’s strange, grieving for strangers.
And yet, it’s one of the most human things I’ve ever done.
Because why not grieve for strangers?
I’m trying to push through. To smile at my kids. To act like some horrible thing did not happen, or happening. To prentend it’s not there.
But it is.
And I don’t talk to them about it. But I feel it in myself.
I feel this weight of death working on me, this shadow of death, and I’m trying to get away from it.
I wish I could just keep plowing on, business as usual.
But something is telling me not to plow. To just lay the plow down for a while.
I need to weep, and I need to pray.
And I need to feel. And I need to cry.
And I know that seems so “unproductive.”
Like a waste.
I’ve felt guilty about it. Like I should be “doing” more.
But what if feeling, and grieving, and praying…actually is “productive.”
What if it’s a part of the process?
What if this is how we become who God wants to shape us into?
Maybe it’s not productive in a way that we can see.
But it’s human. And that’s something, too.
I don’t know how long it will take. For me to come out of this place.
Where my heart is grieving. And wrestling.
But I know that time spent with the Lord, is not a waste of time.
It’s never a waste of time. It’s actually the only time, where time stands still.
In His presence.
“When my heart is overwhelmed,
and I cannot hear Your voice,
I’ll hold on to what is true,
I’ll still believe…” –Brian Johnson
I cannot make anything right now. I cannot produce anything. Or write anything.
I can curl up. I can cry.
I can wait. I can whisper. I can pray.
But silence is when God speaks.
I say, “I want you to speak, God.” But if I never stop talking…
Is that really true?
If your friend or spouse constantly speaks, and never stops to catch their breath, or let you say anything–do you feel like they actually want you to speak?
What kind of message do I send to God when I say, “Speak to me,” but never pause to hear Him?
Maybe it’s time to pause.
Time to be quiet, for once.
Actually, wait on the Lord.
It’s not a waste.
To just be quiet.
That He may speak.
Maybe the work, is to wait.
To be more quiet now.
“Wait for the LORD;
and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!”