Our little girl is three now, our long-awaited baby, born after seven years of unexplained infertility. These days, as we read through her children’s Bible together, I am reminded of how many key stories throughout the Bible involve babies that come after barrenness. I think that God enjoys creating miracle babies and filling empty homes with children. As my daughter and I turn the pages in her Bible, I also notice how often God heals the sick, such as the blind man (John 9:1-12). It’s also clear that He raises the dead, such as Jairus’ daughter (Mark 5:35-43) and his good friend Lazarus (John 11). It’s a topic I’m not fully sure how to explain to my daughter, since I’ve spent months learning how to help her understand that her baby brother died and he now lives in Heaven with God.
Before my own baby died, any time I learned of a friend or family having a stillborn baby, I would hope and pray for a miracle. I would hope that the baby whose heart wasn’t beating on the ultrasound would be revived by a God who had proven it to be possible. After all, in both the Old and New Testaments, we read stories of children who are raised from the dead. (2 Kings 4:32-27, Mark 5:35-43)
Last December, our baby boy Noah stopped moving in my womb, and the doctors confirmed that my worst gut feeling was true. He had died. We hoped for a miracle. I knew that people in our lives were praying faith-filled prayers for Noah’s heart to beat again, for his life to thrive. But he didn’t.
I knew that Jesus could intervene in our situation, as He had done for his friend named Lazarus. That friend died, was buried for several days, and Jesus brought him back to life. The day we learned that our baby had died, I asked a second doctor at the hospital to take another look. Still, he had no heartbeat.
A few days later, after my parents traveled from the East Coast to our home in Hawaii to care for our daughter, we arrived at the hospital for an induction. They did a quick ultrasound, and we asked that they check for the heartbeat one more time, because we believe in a God of miracles. There was no heartbeat, and we prepared for our stillbirth.
The doctor began the medications to induce labor, and I rested in my hospital bed with my husband beside me. Sunshine poured through the windows that December day in Hawaii. I could see green tropical foliage and blue skies outside my window. We began the induction process in the morning, and our day was peaceful. My physical discomfort was minimal. The presence of God has never been more evident to me than the week Noah died, and the day I delivered him was no exception. I listened to worship music and communicated with family and friends, who sent a constant stream of messages to let us know that they were thinking about us and praying for us.
Throughout that day, I continued thinking about John the Baptist and some specific words from that story, because I had been thinking about how Jesus did not prevent the death of John the Baptist, even though John was Jesus’ cousin.
During my entire pregnancy with Noah, I was determined to finish editing in order to release my most recent book Beauty in Barren Places: Seeing God’s Goodness Here and Now. I wrote and wrote about how God is good regardless of what is happening in our lives. I published those words–then Noah died exactly two weeks after the book was published.
I wrote and wrote about how God is good regardless of what is happening in our lives. I published those words–then Noah died exactly two weeks after the book was published.
Here is an excerpt from that book, words that I meditated on the week my baby died. This scenario spoke deeply to my heart as we induced the labor to birth our son:
“When John the Baptist was out and about preaching and preparing the way for Jesus’ ministry, he was doing what he was called by God to do. His life was different than many, beginning with a unique prophecy about his birth to an older, childless couple. He prepared the way for Jesus. However, he was still thrown into jail by Herod, the ruler of their day. Even after a miraculous birth and divine calling, he still found himself imprisoned.
From his jail cell, he heard about Jesus’ ministry—people were being healed, lives were being changed, and great things were happening! As he sat in his jail cell, he began wondering what was going on.
Luke 7:18-19 says: “John’s disciples told him about all these things. Calling two of them, he sent them to the Lord to ask, ‘Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?’”
In verses 22-23, Jesus replied, “Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.”
Matthew 11 also recounts this story. Verse 6 (NKJV) says, “And blessed is he who is not offended because of Me.”
“Not offended because of me.” These words that Jesus spoke continue to echo in my mind.
John heard about how Jesus was setting people free and healing them. Meanwhile, he was staring at the wall of a jail cell, likely with shackles on his hands and feet. Couldn’t Jesus miraculously release John from prison? We know that Jesus could only act upon His Father’s will (John 5:19). We don’t always understand why God doesn’t change our circumstances when it’s within His power to do so.
Jesus’ message to John was simple. He told John to not be offended by the way He was doing things.
John heard stories of all the miracles that Jesus is performing: the blind can see again, the crippled people are walking and jumping, people with the incurable disease of leprosy are healed, and the list goes on. I imagine that John was thinking, “If Jesus can help them, why doesn’t He help me?”
Jesus’ response to John was essentially this: “Yes, I’m out here doing all these miracles while you’re in there feeling disappointed, but do not allow feelings of offense to cause you to fall away from trusting Me.”
I’ve been over here thinking, “Hey God, I feel disappointed by my life’s circumstances.”
God whispers to my heart, “Do not be offended by the way I orchestrate things.”
In this journey of learning to trust God through all circumstances and seasons of my life, I want to trust Him through my deepest disappointments.
John was not released from prison. Instead, he was killed there.
Were those the last words John ever heard from Jesus? Did Jesus’ words echo in his mind over and again? I imagine John’s thoughts could have gone like this:
Hey Jesus, you’re doing miracles, can’t you get me out of here?
“Do not be offended by Me.”
I’m your cousin—why are you leaving me in jail?
“Do not be offended by Me.”
I was born to my parents late in life because You had a special purpose for my life! Is this really Your plan for me to be in jail right now or to die so young?
“Do not be offended by Me.”
In my own journey, I hear God saying the same thing.
“Do not be offended by Me.”
But God, can’t you give BOTH of us babies? Why just her?
“Do not be offended by Me.”
God, unemployment has lasted too long, and our finances are strained.
“Do not be offended by Me.”
Hey God, this year is not going like I had hoped or expected.
“Do not be offended by Me.”
What if God never says yes to your desperate prayers or mine? I believe that He is a God of miracles, and He can do anything. I also believe that He’s sovereign, and He is going to work everything out for His own glory and my good, even if I don’t understand it in my lifetime.
I choose to believe that God is good and that He is good toward me even if my prayers aren’t answered the way I would like them to be answered. John the Baptist died even after his parents waited a lifetime for him to be born and even though God called Him for a special purpose. His story didn’t end like you or I might have thought that it should. Yet the circumstances do not change God’s goodness.”
–Excerpt from Betsy’s book, “Beauty in Barren Places”
I am actually not sure when I wrote those words since I worked on writing this book for several years. However, in those last few months as I edited and refined my book, I pondered this over and over and over.
In the few days between learning that Noah had died and giving birth to his lifeless body, I awakened throughout the night, unable to sleep, knowing that my child had passed away in my womb. During those nights, God filled my mind with Scriptures and songs. And I kept hearing that phrase, “Do not be offended by me.”
Do not be offended by me.
God could have prevented our son’s death. God could have revived him. He didn’t. And He says “Do not be offended by me.”
That week, and countless times since, I have said out loud, “God, you’re good.”
He’s good to us always, even as I laid in a hospital bed preparing to say goodbye to my baby.
Yes, we are grieving.
Yet at the same time, I believe that God had prepared me by allowing me to spend that pregnancy focused on His goodness, pondering that He’s still good, even when what we pray for and what we see are two different things.
You have probably also experienced death or loss. Maybe you’re grieving the death of a family member or the death of a dream. Maybe, like me, you’ve struggled to become pregnant or have experienced pregnancy loss. Like John the Baptist’s life, the ending isn’t what you expected. But, I truly believe that God is writing the story of our lives, and that we can trust Him. He’s got it all figured out, and He is always good and He is doing good things in the middle of the mess, even on the most difficult of days.
I am learning to trust that God sees the bigger picture, and that He has a greater purpose in everything that He allows to happen. As I choose to see God’s goodness, I choose to not be offended by Him, and I’m learning every day that God is trustworthy.
Betsy Herman currently lives in Hawaii. She and her husband are grateful to have become parents later in life, and you’ll usually find her young daughter at her side. She is passionate about writing her way through life’s challenges, and began sharing her words publicly during her 7 years of infertility. She enjoys describing the ways God has surprised her with small joys and given her grace for long waits. Betsy encourages others to put their hope in Him no matter the trials they’re going through. Find her online at her website HopeDuringInfertility.com, or her Instagram, Facebook Page, and Faceook Profile.
Buy Betsy’s latest book, Beauty in Barren Places: Seeing God’s Goodness Here and Now on Amazon, available on Kindle and paperback!
“Have you found yourself feeling bogged down by disappointment? Unfulfilled expectations, unanswered prayers, financial hardships, unwanted singleness, and heartbreaking infertility – these unmet longings are just a few examples of the barren places people experience. When life is hard and we feel barren, we sometimes struggle to see that God is good toward us. Drawing from biblical insight while telling stories from her own life experiences, Betsy shares how she has seen the goodness of God in big and small ways. She believes that even in the most difficult of situations, we can see God’s goodness surrounding us.” Buy it!
Stock Photo by Rana Sawalha on Unsplash
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